Not Looking Back

2014 has been a long year! It's had its ups and downs, good and bad ... in all reality, the year seemed to shrug along until these last few months. It was easy peasy, followed by WTF? Why does it seem that the end of the year is the most stressful? Maybe Christmas plays a part in that. The stress of visiting family, gift shopping, bank accounts dwindle a little or a lot, so there comes that worry too.

It's almost over though. Just need to hang in a little while longer, and hope like hell that the new year coming holds a lot less stress. 

I made resolutions last year ... I only stuck to a few. Was disappointed I didn't follow through on some and happy as hell I did on others. 

This year ... I do not think that I will make a resolution. I think I will simply give this year a theme and try to do something within that theme. 

I saw a quote the other day ... I think I will make my Facebook cover the picture I found. It said

"Don't follow your dreams, Chase them." 

Needless to say, it sparked the theme for this year. Chase my dreams. Funny how I used to think I had so many and as soon as I made that my theme, I was at a loss on where to start. 

Things that I love things I dream I will someday do. OR be better at. 

Photography:  I keep seeing these "A pic a day for a year." things. I think I want to do it,  I do not think that I want to put them on websites other than maybe Facebook or Instagram.. But I do think that I will make a special album and shoot things that I find beauty in. I haven't been shooting for fun much lately, seems it is work related only, and I think that has put a sort of damper on my soul because of it. Looking at my camera, something that once inspired excitement now barely musters a *Meh :/ * feeling. I honestly think it contributes slightly to my depression. I miss it. 

Writing: While I was happy that I published three stories this past year (2 children stories) and 1 cookie cutter short story. I still can not help but feel disappointment. Mainly because I am not happy with Fertilizer. Why? Because it gave everything away too soon. Probably because it was written more like a tale someone was telling of something that once happened rather than a mystery. It was bugging me so bad that It inspired a way to fix it .... I can not really go into too much detail, because I am superstitious and I do not want to give it away. I can say, that one more cookie cutter short story tied in with the last one, followed by one that ties ALL THREE into each other (With a twist) is on its way. (I have been working on things that I plan on publishing under different names (for my own personal reasons) -- aka, they are sexual in nature and I do not want people to type my name looking for a kids book and coming up with porn. (or porn like nature) My writing this year ... there is a plan! I am actually excited about this plan, Especially since I created my little writing room. 

Color Run: I have always wanted to join in on a 5K run/walk/jog  ... I just never really got around to it. This year, that dream is going to come true. Silly as it sounds ... I wanna run, I want people to splash colors on me, and I want to get sweaty and gross and be surrounded by people I do not know who want to do the same. Maybe that is what I long for. To be surrounded. But without having to interact. Smiles, nods of like minded people who just want to do this damned run to say they did then go home and take a shower is all I need. There is one in Fayetteville this year. I have already signed up with the vip email thingy that will let me know when I can set my place in stone!. My sister Jen will be doing it too ... so I have that push to go through with it. 

The picture up there is something I shot just using my basic Samsung Galaxy 4 ... Nothing special, but while sitting in the passenger side seat, watching the road drift behind me, it simply reminded me that, the past is behind me and I am still moving forward.  (Looking back in the rear-view mirror, I realized that it wasn't at all as interesting as what was ahead. "Kind of a kick in the face to tell me to stop thinking about all the shit that happened this year and look forward to the possibilities that lie ahead."

My sister Lonna is coming to visit today and quite honestly I should be cleaning. I am excited to see her and her Richie, and their two children.  My sis Bree and her two kiddos will be coming over too. 

Normally, On new years, I try to be asleep when the ball drops. Superstitious that maybe just maybe if I am asleep I will have a year of being well rested ahead of me. It hasn't worked yet. This year, having two of my sisters here (We just need Jackie now) I am thinking things a little differently. Maybe its not such a bad thing to let a little fun into my life, one sleepy day out of a year following, really isn't the end of the world. 

I have no idea what this year will hold ... but I do know what theme I have chosen. My stubborn ass will do my best to stick with it. 

Whether you guys out there make resolutions or not ... I hope that yous have a happy new year! Thanks for stopping by and listening to me blab xoxoxoDee

Day 2 (Shrinkage) Also (Overhills High school Band- part of performance)

I was wrong, totally wrong. There was no clock where I had been sitting. I noticed that right away as I entered the room for the second time. Was I totally blind? Couldn't I tell a painting from a clock? Or did fear of rejection play a part in creating the illusion that I did in fact see a clock? I really should start wearing my glasses.
Either way ... There was no clock.
I guess when she had been looking over there, she had just been staring off. Most likely taking in what I was saying. I had just let my low self esteem to convince myself that she was watching the time.

There was no notebook this time either. No notes jotted down. That was a welcomed relief. She just sat there and listened. It was just a conversation between two people.

I found this trip easier. Maybe because I had already gotten my pent up aggravation out, with one crazy moment, standing in the middle of my bedroom, howling at the top of my lungs. No words, no curses ... just the blood curdling scream of my annoyance followed by the deep intake of air from lost breath.

This time felt ... well, it felt lighthearted. I absolutely adore her. Maybe its because I feel like she is the help I need. She holds that key to figuring out what exactly is irking me into being someone totally different than I feel I am. Or maybe its because I have an uncanny ability to fill the void of things lacking in my life and she fills one of those holes. She is motherly in a way. It is a comfort. Makes it easy to open up to her.

I noticed a change in me this round.

I wasn't nervous. There was no foot-tapping. No nail biting, no anxiety of what was to come. Just the vision of a welcoming friendly face as Jan turned the corner. I have been here, I have done this, I knew I was okay.

We talked. Or I did most of the talking, It was lighthearted for the most part. I mean, there were things that came up that were a little more broody than others. Thankfully she reads me well enough to know those things should be dealt with later. She simply reads the unspoken me and I like that.

One thing I would like to point out that I had stated in my first blog (is) They do not just tell you made up stories. They do not use others stories as their own as a tool to help you open up. (I asked her about this.) They will not tell you stories that are not their own, without first telling you that they have worked with someone who is going through (what ever the story goes through.) Trust that they are opening up to you as they are encouraging you to do with them. Or- at least the good ones are. I can only speak from what I am experiencing. She is one of the good ones and I am very fortunate that I get to work with her.

She had mentioned to maybe write down things that you are thankful for, on my first visit when I had brought up journal'ing and mentioned that I literally cried when I was faced with a blank page when I gave myself the assignment to write down things that make me happy. She suggested, things I am thankful for because sometimes finding things you are thankful for is easier than pinpointing a reason for happiness. I would write that I am thankful I gave this a chance, even when most of me struggled to be okay with it. With accepting I needed help. I am thankful for her. I have only seen her twice now, but already in such a short amount of time, as a person, as me. I feel a little better. That hope for making things tolerable and on their way to content, happy even ... gets a little stronger each visit. I'm thankful for that among so many more things.

This visit was a good visit. There were smiles, a few bits of laughter. I do not know if she laughed out with me, or if it was only my laughter that filled the room, but I do know I saw her smile.
I just know that in that moment, I have felt the most content I have felt in a very long time. I felt comfortable and content.

It also felt good to have something good to talk about. Be it bragging about Britts Christmas concert I was going to get to see her rock that night (which the video attached is just a small bit of that-- it wouldn't allow me to upload a whole songs worth - Darned restrictions) Or when I brought up Erins logic, on why she thought when she was angry, she should scream too -- after witnessing me lose my shit. Or even the moment in which I was standing there screaming, Out of breath and getting a grip I realized Avery was beside me screaming too - smiling while doing so. and How even in a moment of weakness- I couldn't help but smile at how cute that was. It felt damned great to be able to see some of the reasons I had to smile, instead of only focusing on all the bad. Feels good to know that you are not being negative, in at least a small moment.

She said something that got me to thinking, and I still am not sure how I feel about it. But it got me to thinking. She says a lot that gets me thinking. Which I think is a huge part of this process.

She asks -- Do you have a lot of friends that you do things with outside of your home.

I had to think that one through. I have friends. I see them rarely. But they are there. I do not do things with them on a regular basis, be it because I feel like a lot of my friends have a lot of drama, or the fact that I feel like, I barely have enough time for a bubble bath without interruption, how am I to make time for that too?

I feel like I am so limited on time as it is. I need that left over time to focus on things that I want. along with time for my family. I do not have time for friends. As sad as that sounds. That sentence alone makes me sad and concerned.

They say -- make time for yourself. Which is what I am doing when I use that time to do things I want, like blog, write, etc.
Am I doing it wrong?

I have text friends, (I make time when life allows it to text) I have facetime friends (that again when life allows I find time to see their smiling faces) I have social media friends (that unfortunately do to my continued growing lack of interest for social media - puts distance towards those friends) But I do make some time for even those friends. Do I have to go out too? Can't I just have some people over once a month and call it a day? It gets exhausting having life, kids, husband, wants etc. To have to also make sure that you see friends weekly. I simply do not have time for that. AFreakingParently, I am not very good at managing time. Do I really have to set aside time to go out and do things with friends? Am I being selfish if I choose not to? Is me not going out for a random (girls night out) Contributing to my pent up frustration?
I think I will make a note of that and ask her net time I see her.

My blogs these days seem more like diary entries, and maybe to an extent they are. I see them as a way into my thoughts, even thoughts - that are unclear to me. Maybe I have said something here that can answer a future question I may have. Maybe it simply lets me feel like I'm getting it all out. (you would think and hour of talking to a psychiatrist would be enough, but apparently I'm living up to my last name.

What ever it is ... I embrace it. I feel a little more like me. How I used to be. Which is funny, seeing how I still feel so far from what I feel I am. (I also find it funny that I have no idea what I meant by that, but I am leaving it , in case I realize what I meant later.)

Step by step -- I'm getting there.

I hope that anyone who is reading this ... has a great day. I hope that if you are going through something similar  Well, then I hope its going well for you, xxDee

Shrinkage

Okay, so in a attempt to free myself, from the mundane task of taking medicine. I conceded to seeing a doctor. Not your everyday, run of the mill, I have the flu doctor. But a head doctor. A shrink.

I have not seen a shrink since my younger years. I was a rebellious asshole going through things no child ever should, and to be frank ... I did not give it a chance. I snubbed my nose at it. Refused to participate in a circle discussion with strangers I didn't know, who were undoubtedly going through very different things from what I was. I did not want to share my very private, very intimate problems with people I did not know, people I did not care to know, and people I did not trust. Forget the fact that half the people in the group were grown ass men and I was a young girl dealing with rape.

Needless to say, flashbacks of this time flooded my mind during the drive to their office to try this once again. I honestly didn't know what to expect. I didn't know what to think or feel. I had movie versions of what it could be like dancing in my brain, and I didn't enjoy any of their moves.

I figured though, that there are tons of people out there like me. People who shrug off that type of medical tools. People who gasp in tones of "Yeah right." when people swear it helps. I thought to myself, these same people might be in my same boat, on their way, not knowing what to expect and a little nervous. So I am giving my blow by blow play of how it all went out, to give someone out there a breath of "It's going to be alright, it really isn't as bad as we think, and that all in all, it really hurts nothing."

I get there. There's not many people in the waiting room. Just a few. There are doctors (shrinks) or whatever, in and out of the waiting area. My mind instantly starts sizing them up. 

First up, an overly happy- annoy the hell out of anyone not high on drugs, woman enters. Immediately I glance at nick. "FUCK NO!" I mouth to him. Fully prepared to book it out of there if she's going to be the one they hand me over to. I simply have no patience for an over the top, in your face, bubbly, fake of a twit. 

Next up ... A man. First I only hear him. "That man is a weirdo." I can not see him, but already I know he has the constipated look of an asshole!
I'm right. 
He walks past, smug and arrogant. Besides the obvious fact that this man talks shit about people, out in the open. (Who knows what he says about his patients.) He is a man, I would never willingly open myself up to a man. I get a genuine paranoia when forced to tell anything intimate to a guy.

Then comes a tall, classy, very well put together woman. Maybe in her early thirties. Her face, some what snide and snooty. I'm thinking -no, I really do not want this one.  I was willing to try. I doubt that she is the right fit for me. But I will try. 

Hope gets a little brighter, when a tall blonde, a little older than me maybe but not by much woman bends down to talk to a kid seated next to me in the waiting area. 
She's kind. She has an approachable and accepting face. At that moment, I hope out of all the ones I have seen, that its her. She is not the complete package. I don't feel like we will click instantly. But by far -- she is the best option! 

My knee is bobbling up and down, I am twiddling my thumbs when I am not biting my nails. I'm a fidgety fucking mess. Suddenly, I hear -- "Are you Diane?" 

I look over and up. There is a sweet, friendly Okay I can do this Face. She's in her late forties. Early fifties. Instantly as my hand meets hers and she introduces herself as Jan
I just know.
Every vibration in my being screams,  I'm okay, this is okay. I automatically like her. 

I get into the room. It's nothing like I expected. I thought, dark and moody maybe. But it wasn't. It was open and light. The colors bright and cheerful. 

She tells me right away that she will be sitting in this chair, and asks if the couch is okay. 

The couch is big and fluffy, too tall for my short legs, but it is comfy. I grab one of the pillows and put it in my lap. I always do this. Because I am insecure and for some reason, holding a pillow makes me feel better. 

Before arriving, I imagined myself, crossed arms, tight lipped and annoyed. But the words just spilled from my mouth like an open milk carton pouring its contents into a glass. I didn't tell her my whole story. There was no need to. This was only an initial visit. She did how ever get key portions. 

There were a few things she said that made things click ... things that made you just know. 

I hate assumptions. I say this in guilt, knowing that, I, just as much as those around me, resort to assuming. But still ... I hate them! 

She never once came across as, mind guru who you cannot deny. She never said - "When I see you next time, or  next time you come in. Those words coming for a stranger assuming that I would in fact like to see them again would have come off as smug, arrogant. The, I know I am great and you know it too temperament, really gets under my skin. 
To my surprise she repeated more than a few time IF you choose to work with me. That meant a great deal to me. That she didn't just assume that I wanted to. 

Another thing that matters most to me is that she is willing to see if we can do all of what ever the hell it is that I need WITHOUT medicine! At least at first she would say. 

I admit when I first started talking, I held in. We know me, or at least the people who keep up with me. I curse like a sailor, and I am an ass. 
I was so proud of me though. Ten minutes in and I haven't cursed not once! HUGE for me! I am respectful. She's older, she is there to help. Why go off and scream out obscenities at her. 

THEN she asked ... Well, what exactly did you say? 

I looked at the ceiling then. Like it had the magic words to say what I truly said without spewing nastiness into the place I was feeling a bit less awkward in. I felt like. Here we go. Things are going to get weird now. She's going to think I am an ass with a bad mouth and send me on my way. 
I couldn't find, fake better words. So blah, just vomited from my face. Shit, ass, fucking. etc. Pretty much, most of the words in the English language that we have deemed "Bad." 

She didn't turn me away. She didn't seem the least bit shocked. In a way. It was freeing. I no longer had to put up the front that I was prim and proper. She knew, I had the mouth of a sailor and obviously a temper to boot. She really had quite a lot of insightful things to say. 

One of the best things she said was that we were not going to focus, or make me repeat all the hellish memories of my step father being a rapist douche bag, or the way I was brought up, or how living on the streets while being a run away was terrifying and how that could have done the most damage to me. "Why is that best?" Because In my own opinion, therapists who are ready to place blame on those things, without being willing to discover all possible paths to the true root of the problem, seem, well ... they seem like assholes! I love that she said, UNLESS she feels that its the root of the problem of why I am feeling the way I feel now, then will will let it lie still. 

I felt safe with her. (which is why I will tell you now) If you go to someone, and they do not fit, do not settle. I saw so many of those shrinks that day that I knew without a doubt that I would have trouble with. Feeling comfortable is a huge part of this kind of (hate to say it because it sounds so cliche) but ... recovery.  With her, everything flowed effortlessly. That is how it should be. Should feel like an everyday conversation. Easy peasy stuff (at least for the initial visit, it might get a little harder when you delve into what the problem is.) but at first, Simple. At least that is what it was for me, and I can only write what I know. DO NOT SETTLE! 

She opened up to me too -- I like that! That it wasn't only about me. That is what made it feel like, just a conversation rather than someone judging your scale of mental health. She told me personal things. Whether or not they were stories she's heard from others like me that she is using to her advantage at that particular moment, or her own. It helped to hear them. I felt better able to open up myself. 

She did keep looking at the clock and I found myself more than twice wondering if she found me boring, or annoying and just wanted me gone. She invited me back, so I couldn't have been all that bad. Or maybe I am some sort of sick entertainment. 

I find it funny -- seriously, I sat on that couch watching her eyes dark to whatever was behind me. Instantly, I was thinking... Does she keep looking at the clock? I almost turned to look, but I didn't want her to know that I was curious about that. I do not know why it was important she not know that I was wondering if she was watching the time, but it was. I only had my suspicions confirmed on my way out when I took a peak over my shoulder. 
My sister says they do this, because there is a time limit, they have to watch the time so their next appointment doesn't wait, or because maybe they are so lost in it, that perhaps they are simply checking that time hasn't gotten away from them. 

Another thing I found myself weary over, was the notebook. When they sit and listen and sit and listen and then you say something that you are no longer sure if it sounds sane, can not remember your exact wording, because now, all of your focus is set on the fact that they are jotting down something about you. I am a very curious person, the thought that she has done that a few times, and the knowledge that I still do not know what she wrote is eating me up a little. 
Does she think I am crazy? 

Anyways ... My husband asked. "Do you feel better?" 

I had to think for a moment then ... I didn't feel better. I felt -- Hopeful. 

It wasn't the worst experience in my life, and honestly I find myself rather thankful that I go again next week. 
Whatever it is that is wrong with me, what ever it is that I can't seem to get completely under control -- It may or may not get better. In the end though, I feel hopeful. 

And what is hope, other than a step in the right direction of (potential better.)

Lessons learned, Do not base what you think the outcome will be off a moment in the past that in truth you never gave the chance.
That it is okay to need to talk to someone, to vent, rant and rage. That it actually is quite beneficial to have someone on the outside, someone you do not see everyday. someone unbiased to anything involved. Someone who can give fresh perspective. Who doesn't get offended. Trust me, you rant to your husband because he might be being an asshole and one or two things might very well push a button straining the air and causing problems.

I will not go into detail about what we talked about, I will however say ... that even in just that one visit, I saw some things I was seeing rather negatively ... in a new light.

Hope anyone who came over to see me today, has a good day! xxDee

Backtracking, Regrets .... When to just let go.

So before I had posted a blog that went into detail about some very personal things I was going through. My reasoning behind it, was to let people get to know me, THE REAL ME. Not just strangers who mosey on through, but the people I know in life also. I am better with written word than I am mouth to mouth.

When speaking, I get flustered, I get over agitated due to getting flustered in the first place, lets just say ... it never really ends well. That whole think before you speak is a lot easier in writing. I wanted people who did stick by me to see what I have to say, to get a sense of who I am, so that they can better understand me, or my point of view. My way of thinking, and why, if I say something a little off, they can understand me and the whys. It is very important to me, that people know me as in me, and do not just assume. So My blog is my way of putting that out. So that there is no room for misjudgments. It just is what it is. 

I did backtrack and take that blog down, because someone dear to my heart pointed out that it could be used against me. I hate Confrontations ... I really do. So it was better to take it down than to allow someone out there easy access to contribute and make worse the hell my life already has. I was given the advice to maybe go under a different name and let only the ones I trust know who I am. I thought about that. I do not think I want to do that. 

But I did think about it .... when it comes down to it though, I am so tired of pretending. I am tired of faking that smile, or grinding my teeth so I say nothing to the wrong person. We all claim to be free, yet we watch our every step. not to mention fake name or not, they are able to track down who it is written by and while I will take her advice and omit some things. I will not go into hiding. I do not want the responsibility of more than one blog. Sounds lazy I know, and it is. We all have our moments. I simply will keep somethings to my own personal journal! 

You know, its funny how much you can learn about yourself, JUST BY re-reading what you have written once in awhile. I wrote mainly when I was angry, in the moment of being angry, to try to calm that anger. "Note to self." It is iffy on whether or not writing while angry actually helps calm you down or invokes that anger stronger. That truly does depend on the situation. "HOWEVER." You can learn a lot about yourself and what causes your anger so that you can better find the better triggers, the roots. So that you can stop the anger in its tracks before things get taken too far. "That is a good thing." 

My sister brought up a question that to this moment, still has me questioning it. Why do we fixate mainly on the bad things? Like for instance, someone who you have told multiple times not to come onto your property does, you get angry. It ruins your moment and at the end of the day, if asked how your day was .... that moment is brought up. 

NOW! ........ 

Say for instance you are sitting down watching your favorite show and enjoying it. Truly content. Happy. WHY, does that take a backseat to my anger, some other peoples anger? Why isn't that the first thought with me or others when people ask about our day? A lot of people out there do exactly just like me. Do you know how many people out there, cant find free time to sit and enjoy a show, or can't because they simply cant. what ever the reason (too many variations, and I will drive myself mad trying to find them all.) So that is something good, something that let you feel good in that moment, yet it gets blurred by this ONE simple thing. Or two or three or how many ever things that day pissed us off. 

Either way ... MY POINT, that I was failing to get to because I go on long ass rants, is that ... We (and I use we loosely) rarely look at all the good things, things that we sometimes take for granted. Like a moment to laugh at the people falling down on "Ridiculousness." Or to see which one of your models made it in Americas next top model. Or even as simple as being grateful you had 20 bucks to get your child a new backpack because theirs broke. That you were not too broke yourself to do that for them. 

That point that we sometimes only focus on the bad... made me want to try a new approach to my journal. Through out the day, instead of writing what is making me stress out, what is pissing me off, who did this who did that , my world is ending blah, blah, blah .... I am going to write about the things that made me smile, happy, if even it was only for an instant. Not today though ... I have already started on today, and unfortunately I already mucked up only see the positive. 

I can say with all honestly, I am very nervous of this assignment I am giving myself. What if I am cynical  inside. What if I can't seem to see the good. I think an empty journal page would break my heart.

I need to learn to just let go ... just let go of that anger. To see the good. I regret that I didn't before.

Anyways ... those are my thoughts for the moment, to anyone out there, I hope you have a good day. I also hope that at least one thing in your day, makes you smile! xxDee

Dr. Song Vitamin C Serum Review

Dr. Song vitamin C serum is just like all the others that I have tried.

As in ... IT WORKS!

I noticed that the scent in this (Like the others) has a blowing bubbles type of smell .... It is stronger in smell than the others. But as soon as it is on your face. You are good to go and you can no longer smell it. No one has mentioned the smell on my face, even while up close (I was worried that my nose just got used to the smell.) But after blatantly asking my husband ... what does my face smell like and getting his reply "Nothing, I can not smell anything." I can without a doubt tell you that the scent you smell at first, can not be smelled once applied.

THE MAIN THING DIFFERENT ABOUT THIS BRAND ... IS A BIG THING!

I noticed with other Vitamin C serums ... if I stopped using it, my face would break out really bad. Almost like it was going through withdrawals. I would immediately have to use some to clear the outbreak.
With Dr. Song ... that was not the case. Wanting to see if it was like the rest, I used it for a week ... quit for a week. NORMALLY during that time with others, I would break out. I DID NOT break out this time, using this particular product. and that was a huge deal for me. Because WHILE I DO NOT want to BE WITHOUT this stuff ... sometimes I forget to order in time, and I will be without it until it ships to my door.
I NO LONGE FEAR the UPS truck being late. I will admit that I am vain.... in the sense that I do not like to have acne. AKA ...Why I use these serums in the first place. I LOVE that I do not have to worry that if I miss a day ... my face will resemble a pepperoni pizza before the refill arrives. I can rest assure that what ever is in other products that causes that to happen, is not in this one. Making this one my go to vitamin c serum.

It like the others ... feels fresh on your face. I DO recommend a moisturizer -- specially with winter coming up.

If you are a vitamin c lover, or even if you have never tried and you are wondering which one is for you. ITS THIS ONE!

I received one or more of the products mentioned above for free using Tomoson.com. Regardless, I only recommend products or services I use personally and believe will be good for my readers. I received one or more of the products mentioned above for free using Tomoson.com. Regardless, I only recommend products or services I use personally and believe will be good for my readers.

Coming out your mouth with your "Blah, blah. blah" I might have issues.

Okay, so earlier today I wrote a blog ... it ended up being the size of a *short*, short story ... so I figured I would write the rest tomorrow. Well, turns out, tomorrow is today. I can not guarantee myself that I will have time, nor that I will remember the things I wanted to say today- tomorrow.

I need this one ... I need to re-read it later to see if I am completely full of shit or not. So this blog serves as a reminder for a later date.

You ever sit down with someone and have a conversation, then wonder to yourself if you even believe what the hell spilt out of your face at those moments? Or if it is just habit. Or something you once believed and are unsure if it still holds truth in your life at that moment?

The eyes are the windows to the soul they say ... they say some people can look into your eyes and see you. Who you are. Not who you are acting like, but the you, that you keep hidden deep down inside. The insecure you, the unsure you, the rebellious you. "The picture up there, is just me, holding the black kitten Lincoln." I chose it ... because it had an eye. There was no filter, just me. I look at it and wonder .... do people actually see me? Or do they see the things I say or do? Do they only see their original perceived notions of me that now stand in the way of who I really am? Half the time I think people are full of shit when they say they see me. But some people who say they do scare the shit out of me. "What if they do?" I am for the most part, an open book. I do not mind sharing my life with others.

That being said, For every one thing I share ... there are ten things I keep just for me. What if they see that?
I wonder sometimes if people see the real me beneath the smile? I just wonder if they see.

It's not that I lie to people about who I am.... It's just, I don't trust easily. I do not like the idea of being judged. I do not think that people would understand me. Not truthfully. I honestly think that if people knew, really knew what was going on in my head ... they would fear me. I would probably be sitting in a padded cell room in a straight jacket right now.  I have such a dark sinister side, that I hide. I let a little out in my writing, or in a poem or two. But I even feel the need to mask it from myself. "It's not all dark.- But I am not all light and fucking rainbows either."

Can you see me?


Another thing we were talking about was love ... do you believe in love, if you were to get divorced or widowed would you marry again?
FIRST -- I am not truthfully married. According to the paperwork, Our marriage is void. Because the documents contain false information.
"Let me make this clear."
I am not single .... I just by law am not married. I am very much with someone. Just if we decide to go our separate ways, Divorce would not be part of it. So that is irrelevant.

TO ANSER THOUGH ....... NO.

I do not think I would marry. I thought I married once, but I am constantly reminded that we are not truthfully married.  It is not that I am against it. It's that I have spent so much of my time trying to be what someone wants me to be, just to feel validated in their life, that I have sort of lost me during the process. It is selfish really
I think I would like to focus on me .... find out for myself who I am. See if what others see behind my eyes is true. I don't want to be this girl that at this very moment I face the world as. I am masked by assumptions and lies ... I am not who I am. I am who someone wants me to be, or what I thought they wanted me to be.

Its funny that no one seems to realize how little remarks like "Why do you have to do that in public?" Or, "You scare me - I do not want to read anymore of your stuff, because I sleep next to you and I am afraid. Are you really going to wear that? You're so strange. I just do not understand you sometimes." can make a person recoil back into themselves.

I am not saying that I am lying about who I am .... I am not following tennis knowing I am a full on Hockey girl. I do not say I like scrambled eggs when I really like fried *note* I love them all ways. It's not those sort of masks.

It's more of being reserved. Holding yourself back from FULL ON YOU. Only being half yourself is just the same as being someone different. "Maybe that is complete bullshit." But because I do not feel I can just be me .... I feel I am not me.

I honestly do no know how to find the words to put that.

BUT NO .... I would focus on me, my kids.

Besides - I have come to the conclusion that it might be better off being a lone. If you look at any love in this world, it all ends tragically. Unless you die together at the same moment, someone is getting hurt. Maybe it's best to be alone. To not have to feel that pain. Easier maybe. If it wasn't for our constant want to love, and be loved.

I say it might be easier, I say no to marriage now ... but who knows. Five years from now I might meet someone in a coffee shop, and marry them under the full moon surrounded by lilies and fire while listening to the waves crash onto shore. You just never know! I do not know.

Super Flex Silicone Oven Mitt, 1 Pair Review.

Anyone who knows me ... KNOWS that I love to cook. They also know that I am a complete klutz and I am always sporting a burn or two. I realize that most people are thinking, why? Don't you use pot holders, etc?

Well, Yes... yes I do. The problem with that is, The ones that do not slip completely over your hands, leave other parts vulnerable to the hot racks or even the flaming hot red thing at the top of the stove. Or, you figure you will only be holding the pan you are getting for a second that using a semi wet glove mitten will protect you just fine. "WRONG!!! Do not do that! The heat eats through wet cloth rather quickly!



  So I got these silicone gloves in the mail.

ONE, I collect oven mitts, and pot holders, etc. I have a ton, but never seem to have enough, so I was excited to add these to the pot. "No pun intended."


First, I was a little nervous. I had visions of taking out a pan of lasagna, only to have the heat eat through the mitts and sizzle my finger tips gone. "I have an overactive, vivid, somewhat illogical imagination."

I was reassured that silicone is not like rubber at all. So my hands will be safe. THEY WERE, I felt like a fool having been afraid in the first place.

These mitts are thick and durable. I even touched the top red thing on accident and it did nothing.

Outside, they kind of look like industrial mitts. Stuff that scientists would use to protect themselves from dangerous chemicals. They have this protective quality feel about them. Inside, they are soft.

BONUS ---- the insides slip out for easy cleaning.

the paper inside the package that comes with them says that it can go up to 450 degrees F. I wanted to test the boundaries a little on this one. I was broiling some potatoes, "For quicker done baked potatoes." I grabbed the cookie sheet they were sizzling on using those mitts.

Nothing happened to them, they were not damaged. But I could feel the heat slightly more. Had I held onto the pan for longer than the few seconds it took to go from over to top of stove, it might have made marks into the silicone. Luckily it didn't this time, but I would suggest to stay within the 450 degree mark.
But I also say, if your other mitts are wet, using it for a quick second in this instance is a better option! They are cheap, so they are easy to replace if you hold onto something a little too long.

  These are definitely my go too oven mitt!

I just need to see if they make other colors. Would be awesome if they did holiday designs, like Halloween! For the weirdo like me who likes to collect oven mitt attire.

If you are interested, you can get yourself a pair here http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00H0OJPTG/ref=cm_cr_rev_prod_title



  I received one or more of the products mentioned above for free using Tomoson.com. Regardless, I only recommend products or services I use personally and believe will be good for my readers.

BakeitFun Baking Mat Review Review

I am a huge, HUGE fan of cooking, backing, etc. If I am in a kitchen, I am happy. It's like a giant science experiment with me, its like an art, I am creating something. Who knows if it will be good or bad, the point is .... I am creating!

So with that being said, I was extremely excited to try the bake it fun mat.

I have so many cookie sheets that I have DESTROYED. Thanks to pam sprays, and simply forgetting that I had something in the oven and burnt it to the pan. I can not seem to throw them away, because apparently I am a hoarder. So instead I would normally wrap the pan in foil, and then cook what ever I was planning on making on the pan.

THIS MAT "Alleviates this!

I know all you people out there who use foil, KNOW that the stuff is not cheap! I use those pans almost every night during cooking, so foil was being used nightly.

Pros for using foil?
1. Easy clean up
2. I do not have to throw away the pan.
3. helps keep any new pans from being destroyed like the old ones.

Cons for using foil?
1. it is just wasteful.
2. It was getting expensive.

PRO'S FOR THE BAKE IT FUN MAT?

1.Easy clean up! ..... You stick the mat on your pan, you bake like normal, you take the mat off, and you rinse it. Roll it back up, and you are good to go.
2. I do not have to throw away any of the pans.
3. Helps keep any new pans from being destroyed.
4. It is not at all expensive. The bake it mat, is actually affordable.
5. No waste.
6. can be used in the microwave
7. Lessons cooking times.
8. does not smell.

Number seven you might be thinking, How? Legit the mat has these little rings built in "Looks like the rings on a stove." They heat up ... My peanut butter cookies that normally take 9 minutes only took 5.  That may not mean much of a difference to anyone, but when you are being overwhelmed by a sweet tooth, those extra four minutes are a huge deal!

Number 8 might have thrown you a little too... But I worried about that. If I baked "Fake out pizzas on that mat, would the sauce seep into the silicone fibers and effect the taste or smell of my cookies." The answer to that is no. No it doesn't.

CON'S for the BAKE IT FUN MAT.
The only con I have found is that the mat I have does not fit every pan I have. I have to use a rather large pan to use it in. I will have to look into weather or not they have different sizes. If not, that should be something that the company should look into.

All in all ... I really do enjoy the mat. It is easy to use, easy to clean, and it seems to take a beating. I have used it over 13 times and its still in perfect condition! I would recommend it for sure.



  I received one or more of the products mentioned above for free using Tomoson.com. Regardless, I only recommend products or services I use personally and believe will be good for my readers.

Why bother? and rants and raves about the new lunatic christians next door.

21 days since my last post, according to Facebook's page reminder for "Randomly So." So here I am.

I was asked a question the other day, it made me think. The question was "Why do you blog? You do not have many followers, do you think they care?" This was asked by someone close to me, who will not be named. I started to wonder, I ransacked my own mind for the answer.

My answer? " I blog because I want to." To me, it is not about followers, it's not about anything really. Maybe I am some sick girl who likes to hear myself talk, but in all honesty. It serves as a learning tool. A diary.

Randomly, I will go back and see what the year held for me. I will note the stupid things I have said, when I was ignorant to an actual situation *Before looking into the truth of what I was talking about, and only writing my thoughts based on assumptions.* Just to remind myself that speaking out about things that you know nothing about, really does not serve me well. I just look like a damned fool. "My way, of teaching myself to think before speaking, to know what it is I am claiming to know."  A lesson, that even to this day, I am still learning, regardless of the many times I have stuck that foot in my mouth.

I sometimes write things about my life ... something I am going through, something that I am having a hard time making decisions about. It helps to re-read those things. To see if there are hidden answers in my words that my subconscious is screaming out to me.

I could throw out all kinds of strange reasons why I blog ... but it all comes back to one thing. "Because I want to." I do not think that was the answer she was looking for, but it is what it is, you know?

Moving on .....

I got some new neighbors. They are both strange and cool all at once. They are also nerve racking, and intrusive and I am starting to feel like a prisoner in my own home.
First day I meet them, is move in day. Three little blonde girls show up at my front door, asking when the bus is coming because they know I have daughters that they want to meet. "The previous neighbors, had filled them in."
They spend about 10 minutes at my front door before I kindly tell them I will see them when I come out to the bus stop to get my girls.
"First impression, they are cute.... I do not dislike them, I think they are sweet."
My girls meet them and instantly find fast friends. They are in and out of my house for the remainder of that night.
AT ONE MOMENT, I GET SOME DEEP INSIGHT ABOUT WHO THEY REALLY ARE.
I am sitting on my sofa, the twins are sitting there, telling me about their old house. "I am wondering how long they are going to live here, due to the fact that they have been at my home for 6 hours now and I am seeing any peaceful weekends that might have come, being shattered in the distance before me."
The girl in pink ..... she goes, we are staying a long time ... we are staying until the rapture. I look at her, surprised, slightly creeped out. Here was this adorable blonde headed little cutie who looks a lot like the kids from the movie "Village of the damned." Telling me they will stay until the rapture. I look at the sister, the twin sister with the same adorable face who is seated on my coffee table .. she immediately follows up her sisters words with "So it won't be very long.

I KNEW they were church people. The husband is the pastor of the church the old neighbors (who were also the pastor of the church for) the replacement. I just had never really talked about religion with the old neighbors so I did not really know their stance on everything, how tapped out and Christian crazy they were. I had told them in the beginning, We are Catholic. "That tends to send most dominations away." Well, truth is ... I just learned to use the trick. I honestly do not believe in organized religion. Seems like another way to get people to conform. Scare them into their ways. Whatever ... I am off topic (point is) I chose to lie about being catholic to keep them off my back to join them at their church, so I never really talked about their beliefs. So I was quite surprised at these little ones remarks.

I legit envisioned a cult sacrificing themselves because they think its the rapture and they were chosen. But then again, that could just be coming into mind thanks to he numerous other reports of shit like that happening.

I blew it off ... thinking, I do not want to talk about that stuff, specially not with 5 year olds. SO I continue about the house doing things I needed to do before the day was out. Adenia says "My dad is the new pastor of the church, he's the boss of the church and god." Thrown a little I ask, he is the boss of god? She goes "No, he is the boss for god." Looks at me, puts her finger to her mouth and says ... I do not think you know who god is." I look at her, I go ... no, I know who god is. She replies. GOOD, because we do not want you to go to hell. No one wants to go to hell.

That isn't even what bothered me ... what bothered me is when Avery came crying to me that she was going to hell. I was like What the fuck? She cries to me ... they said I am going to hell because I am not wearing a Christian dress. Jesus Christ are you fucking kidding me? I ask them, why is she not a Christian girl because of that dress.
Because it doesn't have straps they reply, and it shows her shoulders. "I look at the girls shirt, and think... what the hell little jesus kid ... your shoulders are showing. I say nothing about that. I was like, That doesn't make her unchristian, and if you are going to be honest, Jesus says come as you are ... it doesn't matter if you are wearing a strapless dress, or no clothes at all... what matters is that you come. "I was so very annoyed."

But lets move away from the fact that these little kids are creeping me the hell out with all the god like talk .... and move on to why I am actually annoyed.

So the next day, I take my girls to school. I clean, or am in the process of cleaning. Here comes one of the twins knocking at the door "You said you would make cookies." Sigh ... I had said I would make cookies but I didn't mean that night. She says, well can I have a snack then. I send her off with some chocolate covered pretzels because  I am busy. I lock the door.
no luck on that though
I forgot to lock the back door. They knocked at the front door, I ignored it because I was busy trying to get my house clean. Here comes a couple of kids through the back door. Unlocked the front door for the other kid and now they are in my girls room playing barbies.
WHAT THE FUCK?
For 3 hours these kids were in and out of my house, touching this, asking for that. I honestly fear that my house will become their territory .... I just need to start remembering the damned locks. But its sad you know, when you have to lock your doors because people can not respect others boundaries.

OH..... AND PS. I am a whore, according to those girls, because I was wearing red lipstick!  Who cares that I do not normally wear red lipstick and that this was an unusual occurrence "I was trying to feel seen, I feel so unseen sometimes." I guess those kids were right "Attention whore -- and I was trying to get laid. I do not normally wear makeup so I was hoping by wearing it, I would be attractive instead of looking like plane Jane. LMFAO, so I guess it was slightly whorish" Sigh ........

Anyway .... I have a lot more to say, but my blog is turning into a book and my coffee is cold, so I will save it for tomorrow. I hope that anyone who happened to come and read this has a good day.

xxDee

Cops are freaking worthless! When is enough, ENOUGH? Twice now!

Today started off okay. I mean, with the exception of the kids fighting slightly, things were going alright! That way, until I took out the trash.

A little background info ........

Every since the workers have been in our neighborhood, our cars, our houses have been broken into. Not just me being stolen from, But quite a few. My neighbor next to me, the closest, until they came and stoke strait from my backyard while I was home.
We have all "All of us who have been through this in this neighborhood." Have called the cops, have talked to cops, and still nothing has been done. My neighbor on the other side, who has yet to be robbed, had a lady watching her house while her and her husband were away. When my grill was stolen I had asked her to ask if she had seen anything. She said that she pulled up one day and there were workers in the yard with buckets. When they saw me, they rushed over and asked if they could get water. She mentioned they looked guilty.

If you read my incident from my back yard, you will already know, I have had a shitty run in with cops. So here it goes ......

I'm in the mood to watch a scary movie, But before I do that "Guilt free." I pickup a little and I go to take out the trash. I happen to notice two workers cross the street to my neighbors house. I look across and there is a man in a green shirt and a straw cowboy hat. I am watching. They walk to the back of the house and then to the side. "Mind you, they already know where the water spout is." When they went to the side, I yelled across the street to the man in green. This isn't right, I am calling the police. He yells back -- go ahead we will be gone. I thought about that for a second and thought, that is true. While I thought about it, the boys who heard me say I was calling the cops walked up to the front door. I continued to watch as I thought, and then I watched them crouch down in the bushes, so  I walked over and took video with my phone. When they noticed me, I said "YUP! I got you on camera, and I know you two are the ones who stole my grill, because my neighbors cameras caught you." I am calling the police. and I walked into my home and I locked the door.

I went to my bedroom, because I scared myself with the balls I grew to do that in the first place ... that's when my daughter pointed to the door and goes "MOMMA??" They were standing there at my front door. They see me through the window, they say. LET US IN. We need to talk. I said NO, GO THE FUCK AWAY ASSHOLES. They said, we are coming in we have questions now open the door.  I raised the gun so they could see it, and said GET THE FUCK AWAY ASSHOLES, IM NOT FUCKING KIDDING. They left my porch and walked around the side of the house "Meanwhile, the whole time I am yelling at them, I have Anastacia on the phone with me, because I called her to ask if she was home and to warn her that there were men lurking around her house." SHE WAS NOT HOME. No one was.

The kids start crying out, momma they are banging on the wall outside your room. I am now on the phone with dispatch and she is sending over an officer. The banging stops ........ It takes around 7 minutes for the cop to arrive. Good to know, they would have 7 minutes to hurt me if they did in fact get inside.

The cop shows up and by the look of him, he already has it in his head that this is a bullshit call. and what he says next confirms it!

BEFORE I even have a chance to say anything, he says
Mamn ... calm down, all they wanted was water.

HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM............................ That asshole had already taken sides before he knew the story.
FIRST ... Dispatch asked me to tell the vehicles etc. -- In case you were wondering how the hell he knew what was going on.

I am like, that is not what was going on sir .... I told him about the man in the green shirt, he was like yes . I just spoke with him, I stopped the truck that dispatch  described and asked him and the other man if they just left a site down the road, and he said

"There is a crazy woman on stone cross, all we were doing was getting water."

So having talked to this man  he had already made up his mind on what was going on, before he even stepped foot out of his car. Seems legit right , a work site without water, goes across the street to get water from a hose or picket without permission from the owner. Who cares if that is  round about way of stealing as well, since we as home owners have to pay for that shit.
NOT TO MENTION ..... Does it not look crazy that they all bolted the moment they knew I was calling the cops?????

I tell him about the guys coming to my door .... He is just staring at me, then asks, well why would they come over here if they already got water there. I was like, BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT LOOKING FOR WATER, They were telling me to let them in they had questions then they were banging on the backside of the house. He looked at me like I was crazy. He literally asks me ... Why are you getting so worked up, calm down.
WHY AM I GETTING WORKED UP??? I just had two assholes at my door that I witnessed being shady next door ... who were demanding to be let in because I said I was going to call the cops. I FUCKING WONDER WHY I AM WORKED UP!

He goes, okay I am going to go have a talk.

He goes across the street (He is taking to the quiet one) The other one is the one who demanded to be let in.

I get a text from anastacia just then .... "She was calling him to come home, to make sure nothing was stolen." She sends me a text that he is home, that he is right there if I need anything!

I notice the cop crosses the street. I am so thankful.
After awhile .... he comes back to my house.

He goes ... it is all settled, the husband was home the whole time,
I was like. NO SIR HE WASN'T "I am getting pissed at this point."

He is like, the guy said if they want to use the water its fine .... meaning NOW, that they have permission, they have a legit reason to be traipsing around our yards. It's all fine you just misunderstood.

I was like ... ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? How is it fine that they were at my door being threatening..... They are up to no good and now I do not feel safe.
HE GOES

Are you on drugs?
I am like, WHAT?
Are you on drugs mam.
 I can come in and check the house.
I was like ... No I am not on fucking drugs.

He is like medications etc? I was like, yeah I take antidepressants. He was like, there you go. Have your doctor check your meds. You are getting yourself all worked up over nothing, and they might be the wrong ones for you.

NOW IM PISSED!!!!!! This bitch is calling me fucking crazy!

I again was like ... I AM UPSET OFFICER, Because I have a legit reason, a genuine reason to be upset, those boys came over here all uppity, and you came out of your car already with the presumption that they are in the right ... that you are not going to listen to a god damn word I say, because now its my meds ..... I'm just fucking crazy and do not matter.

He goes ... its okay. we have to lock my son in the house when he takes his meds, and my wife goes crazy sometimes on her meds ... they just might not be the meds for you.

I was like .. your job is to protect those who ask for fucking help ....  not treat them like idiots and the people in the wrong like victims. I want to file a report HE SAYS, There is nothing to report! I am like WTF??? They were on my porch.

He was like ... Look, I do not know why they were on your porch or if they were, but the fact is, all they were doing was getting water. There is no report.

So I ended it with .. fine if that's the story that's the fucking story ... but when they come back and end up dead ... its not just them getting reported, its you for failing to do your fucking job.

He goes ... that's fine mam. have a good day.
Yep ... you too. I went inside and I shut the door .. then you know what I did?
CRIED LIKE A FUCKING BITCH!!!
The people supposed to fucking protect us ... treat people inhuman. It is no wonder people these days take matters into their own hands.
Because the cops around here are fucking useless!

Just sayin.

Lypo-Spheric R-Alpha Lipoic Acid Review.

Okay, This stuff for all you out there reading this, IS DIFFERENT!

One, SMELL - It really doesn't smell like anything, but the visual is a little off putting. It's thick and goopy.

Taste, it is sugar free so naturally its not going to taste so well.
AND I WILL NOT LIE.
It doesn't taste good at all. NOT IN WATER, I even tried putting it in a cup of kool aid! "That helped."

The trick is to not put it in a lot of liquid, so you can throw back a shot of it ... and be done!

THAT BEING SAID .... It is worth the extra effort of choking it down! I feel great! Or I feel better. I do not feel great at the moment, but that is due to the doctor poking and prodding.

Did I feel healthier, YES ... I still do. The only two things about this I do not like, is the taste, and the price. But the benefits "If you can afford it." Far outweigh the both of those things.

You do get a slight burning sensation in the tummy .... I think because you take it on an empty stomach. But once you eat something ...that feeling subsides.

All in all ... It's not bad. I do feel a lot more energetic. Little more healthy.

I received one or more of the products mentioned above for free using Tomoson.com. Regardless, I only recommend products or services I use personally and believe will be good for my readers.

Can you feel it?

Fall is coming! Nothing makes my heart happier, than the signs of FALL!  A chill in the air, pumpkin pie, pumpkin muffins, pumpkin spice coffee, pumpkin EVERYTHING! Halloween is right around the corner too.

But there is something in the air .... I feel like fall is the only season that time seems to go slower.
Summer bolts by in a flash, Winter, with all the holidays, is gone in a breeze. But fall, sort of floats on by. Same as spring, I guess there are two seasons where time seems to take a break from rushing.

Today is going to be a good day! Silas, the pup I was fostering, goes to his new home today. It's a fantastic forever home for him. I am so happy that he gets a happy ending, and not just transferred from foster to foster, or worse, a rescue. NOT that rescues are bad .... but well, there are so many dogs at rescues. This dog, needs dedication, lots of love ... and the people who want him, can give him just that. I will be saying my goodbyes to him around three. Nick said that he absolutely NOT to come back after his visit with the vet and his soon to be new daddy! I am really happy for him.

I know that Marley "My dog." Is going to be relieved. I thought that Marley was warming up to Silas, but what happened last night, I realized ... NOPE!  When Marley snapped, it was the hammer to the nail that there wasn't a way I could keep this dog.

Plus.... I am in a lot of pain today after my doc visit yesterday, I can not walk him out, and in as far as I have to comfortably. IT'S TIME, for him to go HOME! I am so happy, I can say that. He has a home. BONUS, Nick works with the couple taking him .... So I will get pictures and updates anytime I ask.

Today is my first day on CRAZY PILLS! That is what I have dubbed them. No offense to anyone out there who takes antidepressants. We are in this together! I find it amusing that my alarm reminder comes on full blast "Hello, It's your ... Drug dealer!" Sure hope I remember to silent my phone if I am ever at the school early for the girls. Wouldn't want people to get the wrong idea about what sort of drugs I am taking.

It looks so nice out ... It always does after a good storm. Which yesterday was a big one. It came out of no where. The dogs were freaking out ... I WAS freaking out! I love storms, hate lightning, ALSO hate when it looks like the pine trees are about to tip over. That's just my luck you know.

Thinking today will be a movie day ... I can not really move around comfortably, so I will use that excuse while I have it. So that I may sit, and do NOTHING!

Movie list (No judging.)
Coraline
Monster house
Hokus pokus
Oculus
and I am thinking that I also want to see
The nightmare before Christmas.

Apparently, I have no grown up movie wise, I still very much enjoy the kids favorites.

Not to mention, I haven't found any TRULY TERRIFYING movies out there. Anyone know of any? If you do ... I would love to know, so I can give them a watch.

I sure hope everyone is having a good day! I plan on doing the same.
Love and hugs everyone xxDee

FACEBOOK https://www.facebook.com/pages/Randomly-So/491631937586928

Phew ........

Today feels like a long day .... and I am barely half way in! I always feel super tired lately after Dr. Visits. I am guessing because I am so damned stressed out about the reason behind being at the doctors so much lately.

I just feel run down!

I am actually in quite a deal of pain today, even with pain killers. You know ... I really HATE pain killers. I do not like how they make my head feel. But, I like that I could feel a lot worse if I didn't have them. PAIN FREE (Or less painful) Wins! Today is NOT a day I would try to suffer through, Hell to the NO on that one!

I wanted to sit here and try to write .... But it turns out my head is a bit fuzzy. I have been sitting here trying to write this, for I am not sure how long, and I am barely making a dent.

DOC gave me crazy pills today --says I am depressed. "Well, YEAH!" Look at all this crap I am going through ... it is not something that brings smiles an excitement to your face. Also gave me Xanax -- I guess I have anxiety too. SOMETIMES I think they just like to give you pills. OF COURSE I have anxiety. "Grant you I have been freaking out a lot more than normal lately, full on he world goes fuzzy, I can't breath, The world is closing in feeling. BUT What I am making my way through, it does not come without anxiety.

Either way ... I feel like that's just a few more pills to clutter my medicine cabinet. Or maybe I will give them a try.

I am sorry this is so short .... I am just so exhausted. I hope so very much that anyone who passes by and gives this a read. I hope you are having a good day! xxDee

Facebook https://www.facebook.com/pages/Randomly-So/491631937586928

I'm So Excited ...

And I just can't hide it, I'm about to lose control and I think I like it! GUESS WHAT!!!!! Spirit of Halloween opens on TUESDAY!!!!!! Eeeeeeeeek!!!!!!!!!!!! Tomorrow!!!!!!

If you haven't guessed by now, Halloween is my absolute, no doubt about it  FAVORITE holiday, EVER! Next to thanksgiving, because I really like pumpkin pie.



I realize that the likelihood of me getting to go to spirit of Halloween on Tuesday and positively Null. But just the thought that it is open, my heart jumps with excitement.


Anyone who knows me personally, KNOWS, that I have been preparing for Halloween since February. My Pinterest followers were bombarded with pins of how to realistically make fake cut off hands from Jell-o "Which by the way there is an AWESOME ONE HERE http://www.pinterest.com/pin/201254677073020918/
If you are interested in any of my other Halloween pins you can follow my board here http://www.pinterest.com/deechattaway/halloween-ideas/

From fake hands, to DIY Halloween decorations. Which by the way, IS the main reason I want to head to spirit of Halloween. I already know "Thanks to my sister and her Mr." How to make standing props from PVC pipe. But I need ideas, not to mention A mask for the standing prop. ETC. I just basically want to be there.

"PS. That picture up there is something I drew for a kids Halloween book I am working on." I named it Fraidy cat, HOWEVER, there are a lot of books out there with that name, so if you have any ideas for a new name, I am completely open to them!"

That book, Pinterest overload, the constant screams of a tortured victim on my TV. screen (horror movies) I have been ready for Halloween for a long time now. I keep getting told, or I was told "It's only July!" Ugh .... how come they can get away with "Christmas in July" blood donations, but I can't start getting excited about a holiday that comes MONTHS before Christmas?

Right or wrong ... I can not hardly wait.

Maybe its fall I love best ... Mixed with creepy factor of what Halloween means. If you do not know what is behind Halloween, you can find info here http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Halloween or just google it. There is plenty of information out there.

For me, Halloween is that scary feeling, that chill in the air, the eerie sense that someone is watching. ALSO I love to scare people, and when the people you live with are so used to you jumping out of random places .... they expect it. I need strangers, Un-expecting victims. I need that rush! Not to mention, as sick as it sounds ... kids are easy targets!

With the leaves turning color and the fall approaching ... you can bet your sweet ass I am a happy girl. Horror movies, screams at night, mounds of candy we do not really need but are going to eat anyway

It's a pity that its only ONE night a year.

Have a great day guys. xxDee

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What would you believe?

Religion isn't really something I have been into, at least not for most of my life. But due to medical issues, and people around me losing faith. I have been hit with the over abundant need to know more.

The realization that death could be at any moment has set in. I could lose my life from illness, I could walk down the street and get hit by a car or shot. Or even Bashed in the skull by an oversized meteor.

We do not know when it will happen, only that it will. And with people saying things like, We blink out, there is no god, god has abandoned us, or any of those non belief thoughts .... you start to question.

With people talking about how they know without a doubt that there is something more. There is a god, tat god speaks to them, you start to question if they are right, or crazy.

I have been google'ing a lot lately. Near death experiences one of my favorite things to listen to lately. This lady Erica http://www.ericamckenzie.com/ has an interesting one to tell. Although, I have a hard time swallowing it, I can not help but wonder if its true.

I have listened to probably a total of 46 near death stories on the internet in the past few weeks, and while they do differ from one another, they also have quite a few elements that are very much the same. While I wonder if there is truth, I also wonder if they aren't feeding off what they have already heard and have decided to stick to the basics.

There is a very interesting short story, or short film that is actually quite thought provoking. Maybe you have heard it? Gateway of the mind ... you can see it for yourself  here -- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uG4c5C74-Ys

Either way, the background of this is about a homeless man who volunteered to have surgery to sever all 5 senses with hopes of clearing the mind enough to speak to god .... At the end of this video, the man whispers "God has abandoned us." before flat lining.

While I do not think that could have truly happened .... I do look around at the world and wonder, If there is  god, has he abandoned us? If you look at all the greed, the hypocrisy, the death,  the murder, thievery, it definitely has the ability to make you believe that if there is a god, he doesn't seem to be present.

Either way, my husband is a non believer, he says ... we just blink out. There is nothing. I have a hard time swallowing that too. For those of you out there who do not believe in ghosts, then maybe you won't believe me, just like half of us do not believe the people who claim to have been abducted by aliens, etc. But I have seen things,  I still see things, I hear them, I feel them. I feel like I have seen too much to not believe that there is more.

But then, Nick says things like "Quarts." It has the ability to store energy, and it has been scientifically proven that we create energy. So ghosts, are just manifestations of energy stored.

He says .... people who say they have seen all these things near death, are just victims of their brains firing rapidly. That memories, etc, they can all be firing causing visions of your past, etc. He said to think of dreams .... you dream and they rarely make sense. You wake up , feeling and knowing it was just so real. Same as them, they are victims of their minds malfunctioning. That thought actually got me thinking, that it really could be a possibility.

I have a sister who died when she was a child. She drowned. She was clinically pronounced dead. I will not go into full detail because this story is not mine to tell, maybe someday, she will feel the need to share it out publically. But till then, I can only give the jest. I do not know her age then, because I was a baby in my mothers belly, or perhaps not even a thought. My mother is not a very religious person either, so for my sister to say these things, well .... they make you feel like MAYBE, just maybe there really is something. Needless to say, they did revive her. I do not remember the minutes, how long she was down. But she did say, after seeing a picture of a man in the bible a few years later "This is him mommy, this is the man who held me under the water and said I was going to be okay." My sister couldn't have been older than 7.

I am at a point in my life now, where I feel I need to know. I do not possess the ability to jump in blind faith.

I listened to, and read all these near death experiences. They seem like such a beautiful idea.  But then I read passages where it is started -- "They are not dead, they sleep until I rise them." It is worded differently in the bible. But does that mean, we truly do blink out? That we are just in a dark void? Until the supposed second coming? If that is true, then are all the people who are saying these beautiful things, these people who almost died, are they really, truly just seeing images stored in their mind? Creating a dream like fabrication that just feels real?

The move Flat liners comes to mind, and the want to come close, to come to that brink of death so I can experience it for myself is a strong want. I am too afraid to die however, I have too much to do around here. Too many people who depend on me, People I do not want to hurt, because  I was foolish.

I just wish I knew, I wish I had the faith my sister and her daughters have. But I am only filled with questions. I guess that makes me an agnostic.

Has anyone ever put a near death experiencer on a lie detector platform, to see if they are just spilling out what they think they should say, for 15 minutes of fame?  Either way, this is weighing heavily on my mind. Again,  I am always UNABLE to let go of things I can not figure out ... and this problem isn't one I will have answers to, until death touches me. If even I find out then. If you just blink out, then you know nothing.

Maybe your immortal afterlife .... is really just you existing in the hearts and memories of others. But even that life isn't ever lasting as the blood line draws out over time, you are nothing except to the people you are closest to now. Such a sad thought.

But then again .... If you are an asshole during life and all you do is blink out, then your family wouldn't have to grieve that you are burning in hell somewhere. So I guess its not completely bad if that is the case.

Anyways ..... It is not normal that I blog more than once a day, unless I am doing Tomoson Reviews. But this was on my mind.


Have a great day guys! xxDee
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The day after

If I am going to tell the truth ... I spent yesterday investigating. I just couldn't let it go. I couldn't believe something like that could happen without me seeing it. It makes me wonder, what else is going on around me that I haven't noticed AND SHOULD?

As nerdy as this is, I spent a good deal of my day hiding in the bushes and listening to the workers. Seeing if I could pick up any clue, that they were in fact responsible. AGAIN, I do not know Spanish, so this did me no good. Absolutely NO GOOD! The only thing I succeeded in getting, hiding in those bushes, was a scratchy face breaking out because my skin is sensitive, a cat I am allergic to rubbing against my leg causing hives and a tick on my left shoulder. YAY ME!

Sigh .........

It wasn't a complete loss playing private detective. I felt like a kid again, I got that feeling inside when you are a kid. I also got a really cool idea for a juvenile detective like story. Two wins at once.

You know that saying, things happen for a reason? Maybe the reason for this was to revisit my child like self, lord knows I have been feeling old. Also, maybe it was to get the inspiration for a new story and I might, JUST MIGHT ... make enough to get a new grill. Although, a fence is first on my list.

I'm still angry .... I can not look out that window or take the dogs out without getting pissed all over again. This contributed to my OOPS of a diet. You see, what happen was .... I was walking through food lion, and EVERYTHING and I do mean everything was burgers corn on the cobs ETC. Even a sign that said, Don't miss the end of grilling season, with a sale on steak. Grocery shopping made me angry, which then turned into being upset ... and then I saw ice cream and then my literal thought was "I'm sad, I can't grill ..... SHAMROCK SHAKES! I deserve ice cream." I do not really know my logic there, but that is how it happened.

I am supposed to be having a good weekend, But I am stuck on something  I can do absolutely nothing to about. That bullshit cop, no help ... I doubt any cop around here would be of help, if someone isn't dead, they could really care less.

Going to try, TRY my best to let this go, I am not normally one for holding grudges, but I SERIOUSLY with my whole wide heart HOPE they fall on their fucking faces. Or that the food they cook on that grill is undercooked and they get sick .. or , and this is the big OR, hopefully the tank of gas springs a leak and blows them to smithereens. Too harsh? Maybe I am over reacting, but, I think any one who goes through this, knows, and would side with me on that one.

Thanks for listening to me rant. Have a good day guys! xxDee

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ROBBED! In daylight ... WTF?

If getting robbed was ever meant to be on my bucket list before I die ... I can no doubt about it, check it off now.

Sigh ...........................................


These people had balls too! This happened during the day, WHILE I WAS HOME!


I was sitting on my computer, doing Tomoson reviews, you have a deadline for those, and I was reaching mine. I had already taken the dogs out, so I was going to settle in and get to work.


Cut to, too much coffee and the need to pee .... I hear a jiggle. It's my back door. I thought it was the dogs just making noise. I rolled my eyes. Then the noise is louder and just like every other time ... I yelled out, KNOCK IT OFF BOYS! Be quiet, you already went out you are fine! My voice is not a quite toned voice ... I got a set of lungs that is for sure. Either way, the noise stops. I'm like, thank god. Come back into the living room, get myself a drink and I settle in.

Keep in mind that I like to live in a cave. ALL MY BLINDS STAY CLOSED! or they tend to, not anymore.

The hours pass... Britt scares the shit out of me when she busts through the living room door. "Home from school." An hour later, I head out to the bus stop and I wait for the two youngest ones. They get home, its a happy reunion. I ask them about their day, we make our way inside and all is good.

A friend calls, asks to come over. I say yes, and so it is what it is. A few minutes after arrival. Avery gets annoyed, because she gets that way quite easily. Asks, "Can I go outside momma?" I don't feel comfortable with her outside alone, especially with the workers across the street. I tell her, "Not alone, Navaya and Erin should go with you." They go out and then they come back in.

"Momma, where is our stuff?" WTF, crosses my mind. I'm like "What?" "Our stuff is gone." I reply with the usual "No its not ... don't mess with me." They keep insisting, I keep saying its a game. FINALLY I am like FINE! I will play your game. I will go out, they will be like GOTCHA and I can get back to what I am doing.

THEY TOOK IT ALL ......

That spot you see is a brick patio nick had laid down to place our BRAND NEW GRILL! You can see the spilled the catch bowel ... along with the gas tank. ETC.
You know, It's not really about the grill, I do not feel like they stole the grill, I feel like they stole my sense of security. I am terrified to let the girls go outside now.

I cannot afford a fence, so that shit has to wait ... I feel like they are out there, watching, laughing even. SUCKS BALLS!

I keep telling myself it could have been worse! I could have forgotten to lock the lock yesterday, they could have came inside ... It could have been much worse.

Either way, I call the cops. THE COP IS A DOUCHE! You know people who say things sweetly and slowly to show that they think you are an idiot. ANYTHING I SAID, was just stupid! AFUCKINGPARENTLY I have no idea that I DID IN FACT see my grill sitting there when I took the dogs out at noon, that NOPE, I DIDN'T .... thieves only take things like this at night!
I KNOW ..... My grill was there.

Either way, there is nothing they can do. I didn't see who took it, there for it is what it is. He will file a report, but most likely nothing will be found. Gave me advice
NEXT TIME
Chain it to your porch :)

Sigh ... I shouldn't have to chain it to my porch, and I wont have a grill anytime soon anyway. Grills are not cheap and frankly I have bills to pay, I can't just buy another fucking grill.

He also assures me ... KIDS ARE BACK IN SCHOOL NOW, the crime will die down. WTF really? What a useless cop! Cops like his, are the reason no one gives a shit about cops these days. Insensitive.
I get that they see this all the time, but the people going through it, clearly do not.

Either way ... I feel violated. FUNNY, how something as STUPID AS A DAMNED GRILL can make someone feel, suddenly UNSAFE in their own home.

I am just glad I locked the door yesterday.


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Boy its been a long August!

I swear this August has been the busiest month for me. With summer coming to an end, school beginning and all that comes with school, getting up early, band practices, fighting with the girls to actually attend school. It just seems like it has lasted an eternity.

Been going through some medical issues lately, Nothing I really want to talk about just yet, but it is also a very big reason why I have been feeling so stressed out lately. Along with just exhausted! I am so tired. I could get a full nights rest and wake up ready for bed.

See that pup there in the picture? His name is Silas. That poor pup was so mistreated. His whole life has been void of love, and caring. He is a foster. He came to me barely unable to walk, the previous person caring for him had starved him. He was locked in an outside crate with no human contact and has suffered physical abuse. BREAKS MY HEART to know that people can do this. I freaking seriously dislike people at times. I would choose an animal over a person anytime. There are no hidden agendas ..... just pure love.

Either way .... this foster pup soon as he arrived I was on a mission to show him how he should have been treated. I swear, this dog just doesn't know how to be a dog. Didn't know what playing was. Its been a couple of weeks now, he has come a long way, and I was thinking he should be a FAILED FOSTER! meaning .... I would keep him. Should be foster but he needs to be family.

I got hit in the face with reality of THINGS HAPPEN FOR A REASON .... just maybe not the reason you think it should happen.

I swear, I was like ... seeing that picture on Dee Dee's page and taking him in, it was meant. He was meat to be mine. Turns out, I was wrong. I have already found a family for Silas. A couple who just lost their dog "Their baby." When nick told me they wanted to adopt him, I was like NO! I was finding any reason what so ever on why they cant. But when you see a womans heart break, and know that the only way she will heal, is having something to love .... and knowing Silas ONLY wants to be love and needs a lot of it, if he was to come out of this pity mess he had become due to his past. The instant love .... I knew the reason Silas had come to me. He wasn't for me ... just for me to save and keep safe while the stars were arranging his true fait.

I am still sad, he isn't even gone yet ... but I feel that void.  let my heart completely fall in love with this pup. He really is one of those dogs who only want love. Marley ... that's my dog. I swear all he cares about is treats! Food seems to rule his life, he is so busy running around being crazy for food that he hardly ever just lays his head in your lap.
Silas .... could care less about treats, even though I am forever trying to get him to eat them anyways .... we are still working on upping his weight. He was skin and bones when he got here. But this dog, LEGIT only wants to be pet.

 I read an article once saying dogs don't like hugs .... This dog, yearns for them. I have never seen a dog smile "Sept for Marley when he is about to go outside for the first time of the day, or you just got home from a long day out." But Silas .... you can see sheer happiness in his eyes. Sounds silly maybe but you can see his heart through his eyes. Maybe its hope. He has such a strong loving spirit.

Either way ... lesson there. Things do happen or a reason, maybe not the way you want them to happen, but the things that happen, deff serve a purpose.


It's Friday ..... I am so thankful. First week of back to school has been accomplished and its a three day weekend. I very much so look forward to sleeping in.

Today is britt's first game where she will be marching in band for. I am so excited for her. I still have not wrapped it around in my head that she is in high school now.

I am seriously feeling so old.

Thanks for stopping by and hanging out with me for a little while, I sure hope that you are having a good day :)

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