Well, (Me- I'm "She.") I'm Alive!
Although you wouldn't know it from my lack of activity "Blog wise."
Summer came and swept me up in its current. I was so sidetracked by life in general - "Spending time with my girls, sleeping in, etc." that's when I noticed I missed the "Summer is over." memo, I had already been away so long, that I sort of just felt blended and somewhat disappeared in the background. I didn't know how to get back.
It's sort of like how I was with Mobli. At first, I just sort of lurked in the background. Loving peoples post, commenting. I was pretty good at talking with people, that part was easy. But actually posting? I was nerve wrecked! But eventually, I just did it! It was freaking terrifying, but somewhere along the way, I just sort of found home in it.
Long story with Mobli, short - I lost my way there too. I just don't seem to know how anymore.
I guess my blogging is about the same as all of that - drowned down by self induced fears. "What do I say? Do I actually have anything worth saying?"
Then the (Bravest, or probably foolish part of me spoke up.) "Knock it off Dee!" That little voice in me is right. I mean, as far back as I can remember - all my blogging has ever really been, is a sort of online diary, where MAYBE if I am lucky, I reach a few who actually get me. Or are going through something similar, who can relate, or offer advice, or even learn from my mistakes.
And face it, Diaries, well ... it's just like riding a bicycle. You never really forget the basics.
It's been a hell of a year guys! Or - Part of one. About nine months really, but it feels like a year. Hell - it feels like ten!
I wish I could say that I have been off having the time of my life, that everything with me has and is all peachy with cream. But it's not, it hasn't been, and I don't want to be a liar. It's been up and down and all around to where I am still trying to steady the dizzying flutter. I have been through a lot, I have done a lot and I have learned so much more than I bargained for.
Best way to catch up - is chronic logical order. "At least as I remember it - Somethings are somewhat vague, it's been such a fast paced, whirlwind of a time.
June-July.
Summer started off bitter sweet for me. I was finally entering into the time I had been waiting for,
"No more teachers, no more books ... you know the song."
It should have been such a great time, but I ended up starting the summer while trying to regroup from a pretty disappointing time in my life.
But once I made it over the hump (Time) really is your friend, when it comes to shitty situations. We had a pretty good summer. Hit up the beach, went to a resort, played, slept in, all the normal summer stuff.
One thing that stands out in my mind is "OUR DEAL!" We had a freaking deal, if I made a movie "Silly little youtube video" by myself. Then they would make more with me. "I always shoot them, and leave myself out - I'm more of a behind the camera type of gal."
We still never made a new flick together! THOSE MONSTERS!!!
It's okay, they live with me, and I will eventually get them to hold to their word!
August - I cried! By the end of the summer I was so excited to get them back to school so that the fighting between them would stop, that I forgot how much I would miss them. I still miss them, but I have gotten used to the quiet.
Sept - Oct. Chorus took up most of our time. "I think I might have mentioned chorus and how we started that, but I am too lazy go scroll through my posts to check, so I am going to do a quick recap."
Once upon a time, I went next door with my sister to look at a house that she at the time might be interested in renting. Met a guy named Fred. -- well, he asks. "Do you like to sing?"
Of course we like to sing, so naturally I answered. "Yeah, the girls and I sing all the time." Meaning with the radio, not professionally. Next thing I know, we are invited to his annual Easter sunrise, to sing etc.
I didn't know how to say no , I felt a little weird at first about it, but then one thing led to another, and It just gradually made its way toward - WE ARE SINGING AT THE SUNRISE.
After the Easter sunrise, I guess we could have stopped singing, but I fell so in love with the friendships we had created, that it became a very big part of my life. A looked forward to part of my life.
Learned a huge lesson in October.
One, the biggest reason why I tend to be a loner. Or an introvert might be a more correct word.
Letting people in, also lets hurt in. And I do not know how to navigate through that.
You see, I LOVE PEOPLE, I love getting to know them, learn about them, etc. But with me, it is mainly online, or in random places, where the contact isn't constant. It's easier for me without strings.
That being said, I did what I never do ....
I fell completely in love with the spirit of a wonderful woman, (A couple of women actually.)
And one decided to leave a little earlier than I or anyone involved really wished for.
It hurt. It still hurts. But even in the intense sadness I am feeling now, I couldn't imagine what the people who were closer to her are going through. It's incredibly painful to watch them struggle for peace. If only there was some way I could take that pain for them.
Lesson - It hurts to let people in, but so worth it, in an odd cosmic way, there is even beauty in tragedy. It's okay, it's natural to go through these things, and under no way is it possible to fully shield yourself from them. I guess I needed a wake up call "I truly control nothing. - It's only an illusion that I do."
October also saw the publication of my third children's book. "It's almost Halloween." I noticed something about me. Why there is such a huge gap in between kid's stories. It's the illustrations. I cannot draw. It takes me forever. And one of the fall backs of self publishing is that it is all on you. The illustrations, editing, marketing, etc. But I did it, and I think it came out nice! My kids like it! And that is all I am after with my writing. As long as one person out there likes it, I find it successful.
November- Chorus- turned out to be more than chorus. It led to church, which in all reality, I cannot call a church. There is no religion. It's just people discussing the bible, explaining it, debating on possible alternatives in meaning. etc.
OMG. I go to bible study!
You have no idea how weird that is for me to say. Especially because, I never really had interest in it. Never cared. Maybe I was too caught up in my own selfish existence to know that I was interested in it. and a big part of me, spent a good amount of time denying it.
Either way - Chorus led to bible study, bible study led to a course. "Bible boot camp 1." Which I passed! I got a certificate and everything.
Quite honestly, I am pretty proud of that! It was one of the first things I have followed through with until the end. (I start boot camp 2 - in the beginning of next year.)
December.- Here we are, almost to the middle of December. It is almost Christmas! It's almost a new year, (I will not be making resolutions, I will be thinking of a theme.) It feels like this year has just slid past.
I am sure that so much more has happened, but it' all a blur. I am simply sharing the things that stand out with a little clarity.
January - I was having a pretty off January, I did a lot of baking. I bake through my feelings it seems. A lot of inches added to the waist in January.
February - I wrote and self-published a short story in this month called Eight. (But shown as 8) I say I wrote it, but in truth, it sort of wrote itself. I had a plan for that story, things that I wanted to happen, and it took an entirely different turn. I was even surprised at the end. If you are curious, you can check it out here by following the link. Eight , you can get it in Ebook format, or print. And LOOK -- up there in the corner, that is my hard copy sitting next to one of my favorite writers of all time. Stephen King. SOMEDAY you guys! Someday I will be the girl version of him. It's a dream. You know.
ME NOW ..... March.
I'm a little ill. Seasonal allergies are kicking my rear. Not too much longer before my monsters are home from school. It is an okay day. I've been chatting it up with a friend, a fellow self-published writer. He has been incredibly helpful on this becoming a writer journey I am on. I love that. When writers can support each other, I find in this day and age, that most writers are hell-bent on keeping other writers down, to try to stay ahead of the game. Sad world we live in.
There are lots going on with me now - things that I will talk about in posts to come.
I really do need to get back in the swing of things.
I hope that anyone who sees this, each and every one of you - has a great day, good evening and a good night. xxDee
