What a day -

Just when you're about to count the day out ... Something great happens.
In all reality, today hasn't been bad. Not great. But not bad either.

Started off a little rocky with Avery. But that is only because the kid hates getting up early for school. If school started at 9:00, things would be sooooooooooo much easier.

Got better with my walk to Britt's bus stop. We had a laugh (She about killed me tagging me in the post that she did.)

Someone who loves her camera - (It is probably the only material possession that I adore.) I about lost it when I watched the video.


It was of a man washing his camera. MY FREAKING WORLD.... IN WATER, WITH SOAP! I about had a freaking heart attack. It was too much. I am pretty sure the look on my face resembles what most peoples faces look like while watching a horror flick. It was torture watching that. Reading the comments, was worse!!!!!! People seriously should not listen to everything they see and read on the internet. I shit you not, one of those comments said. "My camera isn't working now."
Really? You don't freaking say?????
To top it off, that man sprayed it down with a hose after. And I cringed when I saw the way he was wiping that sensor. Damn, and that camera he brutally murdered wasn't cheap. It was relatively new. I really freaking hope that it was a dead camera that someone had already broke. That video killed me.

Either way - we took joy in a moment of stupidity. It was a good walk. I enjoy these stolen moments with my daughter. As she grows into a teen, these moments are far and in between.

I saw the two little ones off to school, had a moment of "Silence."
I swear, I always walk into the house and take a deep breath. It's the first breath of MINE, that I get. It is probably one of the most precious feelings.

The day continued to be alright ... Enjoyed my morning walk with Chris. Took Marley this time. I was a little nervous about that. Because of her dog penny. Marley, doesn't get around many dogs. I was uncertain how he would do. HE DID GREAT! I was such a proud mommy. He is such a good boy.
On the way back home from the front side, we came across a bunny. Not a live bunny. Someone had hit it and it lay there lifeless on the road.
Broke my heart.
Me being who I am, with my over sensitive heart and superstitious mind, GROSS as it was, scooped up the bunny in a doggy bag, took it home.   (All I could think of was ...) That someone looking out their window must think. "Oh, look at the hillbilly, found her some roadkill, gonna make rabbit stew" I have no idea why I always think people think the worse of me when they see me. But when I am doing weird shit, like picking up dead animals off the road and carrying them home, WELL ... I think those moments of self conscious - uncertainty is well warranted.
I now have a bunny buried in my back yard.

I should have cleaned - I didn't. I did have intentions to do it, but I think I am just worn down. You know its funny. Get me angry and I will take it out on the house. Instant house maid. (I think that is why nick picks fights with me.) But if my heart feels weak, if I feel broken, I just can't bring myself to live. Not even to do simple mundane tasks. Breathing is a struggle.
I will get there ... and boy once I do. I know everyone will jump for joy.
LOOK -- WE HAVE A FLOOR! haha

"Things that made me smile"

• Just laughed at the floor comment. Mainly because I know it's true, but also because I live with a bunch of smart ass kids, that take after me. I know the faces that will come and I adore those smart ass faces!
• My biggest smile of the day came from the picture above. It was such a simple moment in life but it melted my heart instantly. Avery - had a crystalist, and it hatched today. Nick was showing her where her new pet butterfly was"She named it Callie." The excitement, the joy, the purity in her heart. They are, moments like these- are where I find my smile.  I am so in love with being that kids mommy. (all three of theirs.)  Sure I want to be a writer, a photographer, etc. But out of all the things in the world I could wish to be, Their mom is the one thing I know for sure (was meant to be.)
• Watched a girl walk into the candy rack at food lion - LMFAO!!! That made me smile too. I'm so glad, it's not just me!
• I smiled a ton watching a movie. You know, I think that is why I don't like to watch movies during the day with people, but rather - only in darkness. Because if they are the slightest bit happy, sappy or whatever. There's (Me.) Eyes bright eyed, big fuck all weird ass smile on my face. The whole time! I must look crazy! If you haven't watched "Committed." It was cute. Plus, I have a huge girl crush on Heather Graham. 
• Marley ran face first into the glass part of the door - LMFAO! Laughed at that for fucking ever it seemed. Silly dog. Seriously though, that was freaking funny. I am laughing all over again just remembering. Poor guy! hahahahahahah
• Laughed a lot with Erin when she came home from school. Sometimes, all it takes is a taste of that kids uniqueness to lift ANYONE'S spirits. We didn't say anything of importance, it was basically a mix of weird faces and non stop laughter, followed by explanations in not really audible words, but somehow we understood. We were in our own little Erin and Dee world, and I loved every second of that. 

It's been such a long day. At first when I started this blog, I was uncertain I could keep it positive. But really - writing down the things that made me smile, just today -- I realize, that today, really wasn't a bad day after all. 

Here is hoping that you guys had a good day too. I'm thinking, my pillow misses me. Seeing how I spend most of my night wondering the halls, and checking the doors, and making sure that no one (like zombies.) are crawling around outside in the darkness, the sooner I get to my pillow and pass out, the more likely I am to have a little sleep tonight. 

It's just so quiet once everyone is asleep - I think that is what keeps me up at night. 

Plus - my creepy house makes all these weird noises and I watch too many scary movies, and I have got to stop rambling. 

NIGHT GUYS! xxDee

Open your eyes - take it all in.

Monday. The dreaded day of the week. How you make a liar of me so. (Today) Is actually a pretty darned good day.

The girls got off to school (Without a fuss.) 

Pulled out my camera for a bit. Decided, I would like to enjoy a bit of nature. It's somewhat dreary out with the rain and all, but I didn't mind. (The photo.) Is the first Lavender sprout in my garden. Pure excitement on my end. I absolutely adore when things start springing to life, especially when I have had a hand in it. 

I found an interesting thing on Facebook for photographers. They have all sorts of categories, (Contests/challenges)  and the voting process is more fair than not. (Photo's are only voted by people on the site.) also (Photo's all have their chance in the spot light for voting, so it doesn't matter if you jumped on the band wagon a little too late.) Also- popularity doesn't factor in. So it won't matter if you are the most established photo-bug out there, or just starting out. There is a chance at winning something of course, but what I have found most - is inspiration. Seeing the world through other peoples lives, has made me want to see it through my own. Or at least get a different view than a television/computer screen. If you are interested, if you are a photographer out there-- here's the link. Guru shots (Photography challenges.) 

Seeing everyone's shots, I definitely came to the conclusion, that I need to remember to bring my camera with me "Everywhere!" Also that I need to open my eyes a little more. There are so many more things around me worth shooting that I just shrugged off. All I needed to do was open my eyes, and look around a bit! I am in no way-shape-or form as good as some of them on that site, but I think that is also why I am recommending it. Because it pushes you to want to do better. 

Today - I should have spent the day cleaning and getting things in order for the week. However, plans change and I spent my time relaxing. Snuggled for a bit with my kitty Amelia. (Not a great idea.) I am allergic to cats, and one of her hairs got embedded in my eye lid. (Sigh.) Hello- swollen eye. I resemble what reminds me of Popeye. 

I got bored with TV. Made myself some perfume. Coconut oil based, It's a light scent of lavender and honey ... mixed with a little vanilla. I absolutely fell in love with it. It might be slightly too strong though. It really is quite lovely. (Proud of myself.)

Contemplating a photo-shoot with my hedgehog Leilo. I want to put bows on her. The only thing stopping me is that she is mean, and hurts like hell. LOL. I might wait, until I can run to the store and grab some gloves. Vicious little cutie that girl is! Maybe I will nudge my girls into having a photo shoot with me. Maybe after this blog that is what I will do. 

A mission to find stuff around the house to set up a set and hold a shoot. 

All in all, so far ... it's a good day. 

My thankful for list .....................................................

• 1. I am thankful for pie. I swear, pie is my- no doubt about it, absolute favorite dessert in the world. It just so happens that yesterday - FINALLY - they put out lemon meringue pie! I think that slice of pie had a huge impact on just how flavor-fully sweet-  today has surprised me in becoming.   

• 2. I am thankful the quiet today. It was such a long weekend. I welcome this quiet with open arms. (saying that - I can't wait for the girls to get home, while I like the quiet, I am not very good at being alone. - I miss them.)

• 3. I am thankful for answered prayers. I truly believe that some of the bad things happening or the moments that have happened, are happening so that those prayers can be answered.  

• 4. I'm thankful for fresh water. I recently realized just how often I take that for granted. It came to my attention when our water company treated our water supply. (They do this in March- every year.) First came the taste and smell of dirt. It literally made me feel like I was drinking garden sludge. Then came the smell and taste - along with the burn in the back of your throat due to the chemicals. (Thankful they only do this in March.) I went two weeks only drinking soda and juice because even masked by tea, I couldn't stomach the water. (Filters, were not helping.) *Thank you Nick, For bottled water.* When I became dehydrated in a bad way, I realized more than ever just how important clean water is. Instantly I was heartbroken by the thoughts of other countries. Looking into now, what I can do to help with that. Funny - it's never until something you take for granted gets taken from you, that you realize the world needs help.  

• 5. I'm thankful the tow guy called about the van today. Grateful that it will be gone soon. I thought it would be towed this weekend, but apparently they do not tow on weekend. It is bitter sweet having it sit in the driveway. Sentimentally so - Because I can still see it. (I might be strange.) Bitter - because having it there, is just a constant reminder of what had happened. Ready to move on from this. 

• 6. Thankful this is the last thing to be thankful for. Maybe I should mix thankful for, and things that made me smile today - together. I never knew how hard it could be to come up with random things that you are thankful for. I mean I could rant on about, I am thankful I have hands that work. Thankful I have eyes that see. etc. But Eventually it's going to get down to, thankful that I have a pen to write with. Or that I had milk for cereal. Sigh ... positive thinking is hard! But I am determined. 

It's a little after 2 in the afternoon now, that gives me about 45 minutes before Brittany gets home. I think I might just go on that mission. See if I can't find something to force the kids to play dress-up with me with. I hope that each and everyone of anyone who came and spent a little time with me today have a great day. I hope you can find at least 6 things every day to be thankful for. Or 6 things that make you smile.  Have a great one guys -xxDee

Insert *clever* title here. (Mind blank.)

Sunday- good ole Sunday. Sunday's are normally- both my favorite and the dreaded day of my week. Favorite day, because with Nicks work schedule, Sunday tends to be his only day off, that is if he is getting a day off that particular week.. Dreaded day, because it is also the day that brings reality that Monday is just around the corner.  So far, it feels like a good day.

Not a whole lot on the plan for today. Gardening, Reading a little, grabbing some crafts so the girls and I can put our creative thinking caps on and come up with something awesome! We don't know what that is yet, but we know it will rock.

Been getting my ducks in a row. I've been wondering why I have let myself be stuck at a stand still. I have a lot of research to do, a lot of practicing ahead, a lot of props to come up with. But I want to take my photography seriously. I adore the jobs I do get. I do not mind shooting beautiful naked/half naked ladies at all - I want to branch out though. I want to touch all specs of the field. I want my own studio, even if its just a studio shed in my back yard. (Yes they have those.) But I am going to do it. I've decided, that I have no reason not to.
Working on this dream. Who knows, maybe when we are out getting crafts, I might come across a can't live without it find. I have faith that today will bring good things.
I was uncertain this morning, I shed a few tears, but I feel with a little faith, the little hiccup of this morning, will just be that. A hiccup in an otherwise "Fingers crossed." Wonderful day.  Love the photo Erin drew (up top) I am thankful for family, real, true family.

My thankful for list ...

• 1. I'm thankful that Erin's foot is healing. Today, there was only a single drop of blood on the bandage. Finally, getting somewhere! I am also thankful for patience where this is concerned, it is hard to be patient when your child who should be sitting, is running around like her foot is in tact. It's like, SIT DOWN WOMAN! Sigh .... I was the same way.

• 2. I am thankful for YouTube, google, etc. Odd, yes. But it has led to some of the most fun moments for my girls and I. You can learn to do so much online, it definitely helps us gain ideas to explore our creative sides. Because of it, we are taking a trip to Ollie's (Good stuff Cheap) to see what we can score for craft supplies. If you don't know what Ollie's is, here is a link. Maybe you might have one near you. Ollie's   I am a huge fan of deals! I get that from my Grams. If you guys know any easy to do- or cool crafts. Let me know. We are always looking for new stuff to make.

• 3. I am thankful for music. I have never truly been able to focus without it. I love how easily you can side step your mind from reality, by losing yourself in it. Some days, it's my only escape. In a way, music is like a good book. At the moment, my favorite song is "The sun is rising) Song - If you would like to listen.

• 4. I'm thankful for the roof over my head. I was talking to a friend yesterday about the harsh conditions of being homeless. How hard it is. (We got into a debate on whether or not you should give money to those asking.) *Because there are so many panhandlers out there, you just never know who is really in need and who will drive away in their new car when done for the day.* I remember what it is like, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. It just made me realize, how thankful I am to have shelter.

• 5.  I'm thankful that Lent is almost over. I realize that is selfish. But I gave up fast food. Do you know how hard it is to see all those pizza commercials, and smell the Chinese food when walking into food lion is? It's hard. I don't plan on going balls to the wall- porky, or anything, I just want an egg roll! Somewhat debating on if I can have one on the 2nd, since that is when Lent is officially over, or stick with Easter. Normally we go all the way to Easter.

• 6. Right about now, I am thankful for these muffins. I have not eaten much the past few days and this morning, they taste like heaven.

Thinking, that maybe I should go get myself dressed to start my day. May you all (who ever reads this.) Have a great day. Love to you all xxDee

Dancing to a new beat

 

Taking a quick glance over at my blog, I noticed a repeating trend. (With the exception of my first March post...) They are all negative.
So I am giving myself a assignment. "You know that line from (Alice in wonderland)? The one that goes ...

 Sometimes, I've believed in as many as 6 impossible things?"


Sometimes, for some people, myself included ... it is hard to see the positive. It is hard to see all the things you should be grateful for, when all you are looking towards are the bad. Sometimes it can be almost impossible.


AKA .... My April assignment. I have to find- 6 different things each day- that I am thankful for.
My reasoning?
I am hoping that I will be able to train my brain to look on the Brightside when the rain starts pouring. (I tend to be a positive person for the most part.) At least when it comes to pepping up others. So I figure, this shouldn't be too hard.

Starting with today! (Because I am inpatient and I do not want to wait until April.)

• 1: I am thankful for my children. I know that is cliché, but I noticed while grocery shopping with Avery, I noticed how silly she is, and how upbeat and fun that kid is. I noticed, how happy I feel when I just let go of all the things from the day and just enjoy being in her presence. This is the same for each of my three girls. They each have their own unique way of getting to you. They just embed themselves into your heart. (The video up there, is my trip with her to food lion today.) She is always, and I do mean ALWAYS like this. I love that, she didn't care who was watching. She didn't care about anything, but enjoying that song. And what cookies we bought, I loved watching her trot off ahead - What was cut out, because I had clicked off the phone camera -- Was her coming back to ask. "What did we need again? I forgot when dancing!" haha

• 2: I am thankful for the friends that I do have. The real ones.  I never really have been one to get out there and meet new people. I take the ones that come my way and I enjoy them. Recently, in my quest for answers. (I am sure that I have mentioned that religion or well, more so god has been on my mind a lot lately) Needless to say, I ran into a man named Fred. Gentle soul. Invited me and my girls, my whole family really to an Easter Sunrise. (My first -Their 11th this year.) Caught me in the driveway of my neighbors house that he was going to do some work on. Asked me, if me and my girls like to sing. VALA- Chorus practice was born. Through this unexpected meeting, and through an unlikely chosen extra curricular activity. I have met some of the sweetest people you could ever hope for. From Fred, to Bonnie, to Chris and her adorable kiddos. and to grams. We don't know what else to call her. Actually writing this, I feel rather ashamed we never asked her name. *I will next practice.* I am thankful for these people. They have become a very much looked forward to, part of my week. Sing a little, chat a little, eat a little. Good times.

• 3: I am thankful I woke up today. Simple as that. It has never been more clear to me than it has been lately - that time is not exactly promised to us. I am thankful I had/have today.

• 4: I am thankful that things worked out with the Van. I mean, honestly it sucks. Because I am sentimental and I feel like we somehow let that little van down. It did us well. It was a great car. I am glad that we were able to get a replacement, and that we didn't have to sell ourselves on the corner to make that happen.

• 5: As petty as it sounds, I am thankful that I have the stuff to make pasta tonight. Quite frankly, I am exhausted and I needed an easy meal. Also thankful that I finally got Avery to eat red sauces, so that I do not have to make separate meals.

• 6: I am thankful for nick. He truly is my best friend and basically, he's my sanity. I don't know what I would do without him.

There you have it. Six things that I am happy for. I am also happy that its almost bedtime, Also, for a stranger. I do not want to leave this out. "In case you read this - I am sure you will know who you are"
Thank you for your personal message. Thank you for sharing with me a piece of yourself. Thank you for giving such wonderful advice. I truly appreciate you. All my love. xxDee

I hope that anyone who reads this, has had an okay day. Sometimes, Okay, is all we need. Nighty night guys xxDee

PS. My apologies about the video - I forgot to make it public.

Over the hump - moving on.

First off, I apologize about my post yesterday -- although I will not take it down, because it is/was my truth, I do apologize. I just wish I wouldn't have broken my "Don't air your dirty laundry in public" rule.

There is no excuse other than I lost it. I just fucking lost it.
I was having such a shitty week, and Friday was no better, and I guess I just got to that point. Ya'know? That point where you just say "Fuck it! and fuck you!

But in all places for it to happen, my blog, which is all me, is a pretty damned appropriate place for it to happen. (I also regret responding on my sisters Facebook poll- Not because what I said was wrong, but because in all reality, this was personal. Also - because I allowed them to use the lines "Playing the victim" after they blocked me. I gave them that fire to use me as their pity party. "You see what we deal with?" LMFAO. That sucks, but it is what it is. Which in my own opinion, I do not think it is considered "Playing the victim." If you are standing up for yourself. If anything, I see that as strength to put up with it all. I may not have done it very well, but I did the best I could - given the amount of stress I was under.

No doubt I burnt a lot of bridges yesterday, bridge to what? I am unsure. I guess a bridge to disappointment, and uncertainty. (My therapist - has already told me, that (in her own words.) Those people are not good for you.) So maybe it was  good thing I set those bitches on fire. No doubt they have spread their hatred through lies, and over-used statements like "She's unstable." I know this, because my daughter came to me, asking if she should delete her aunt. Because she felt uncomfortable seeing two of her aunts bash me with a bunch of strangers. (Thus, proving my point of what my family is like.) "It was up front and center on her feed."
What do you tell your kid when a situation like this pops up? I did my best, I simply told her, it was her choice.

(Side note.) I do not think it is fair for anyone to use that statement. "She's unstable." on me.
First off, I am not unstable. I just do not deal well with assholes. I defend myself when needed and genuinely get pissed off at the stupidity and the blatant lack of respect out of others. I do repeat myself it seems, because I feel like people get stuck on what they are seeing in their own minds, that they do not stop for a second to legit listen, or hear at all. I do not understand how that makes me unstable. (My guess) Is that because I have a little paper stating that I am bi-polar, and that I see a shrink, that is the "thing to say" when I am not agreeable. Or should I say "When I am not agreeing with them."

Either way -- back on point!

I do not know if I did the right thing there. For fear of them repeating the line "She always has to play the victim" line, I say this hesitantly. Should I let my children choose? Or should I protect them from the same shit they will no doubt face someday because of some of these very same people?
I really do not know the answer here.

Learned a few lessons here : CHILDREN DO see and hear and understand a lot more than I give them credit for.  ALSO, Brittany, my eldest, is a hell of a lot more logical than I ever was, or ever have been or maybe ever will be. I could really learn a lot from that kid. She truly amazes me daily.

Enough about the drama --


Yesterday turned out better than I thought. After my morning meltdown (cry fest) Things got better. I talked to my baby sister Jackie, made a separate plan to see her. I legit am looking forward to that. Then, I listened to Britt. Who knew my own kid would be the one to give me sound advice?

Just let it go. Who cares what they tell people, who cares what others think. They can say what they want. All they are doing by both bickering and smash talking about you (while your blocked) is proving that what you said was true. Maybe you should stop worrying about the family you don't have, the fact that they don't measure up to your standards and focus on the family you do have. The ones right here in this house.
NOW TELL ME THAT'S NOT A SMART KID! She get's it from her dad. I get sucked in too easy and I allow everything to affect me. Again, I say, I could really learn a lot from her.

Hearing her say that - I started to focus on what really mattered. My life, the here and now.  I got a few thousand extra words written in a story I have been working on. (Last night, I have hope for more today.) The van, yeah, it's totaled.(They will be towing it off for auction this weekend) But we found a maybe car which turned into new car at CarMax. They will just tack on what we still owe on the van, to the new car. It's a step better-off than we were! Can't complain about that.
Focused on Jeri (She is this amazing girl I call a friend.) Focused on the things she gave me to focus on when trying to get me to just breathe. I focused on Jami, (another amazing friend) who took the time to try to make me smile, which in spite of everything. I did smile! I guess, I stopped my own self pity party and found things to be thankful for.

I guess my point to anyone out there who reads this is - that when everything seems to be crumbling down around you, both by your doing and by others, or only others (whatever your case is.) - Walk away for a second. Just breathe and focus on something, anything other than the negative.
Once I stopped looking at all the bad shit, and started focusing on the good stuff, my blurred picture of what I have to be thankful for, tuned in a lot clearer. It's clarity smacking me in the face.
Take it from me, fixating does absolutely no good! it doesn't change anything. It just hones you in on the same stuff you have got to be getting yourself out of. honestly, you just feel down right awful, and none of these people in anyone's lives, deserves that of another. No one is worth your inner peace.

Today, thankfully is a sit and relax day. (Kind of.) Nick has a new toy, so he will be out there detailing it, like guys do. I think I might walk Marley. It's nice out. I could use a nice walk, clear my head. Also, later tonight we have chorus practice. I do not know about any of you out there, but relaxing, is exactly what I need. Thank goodness, the stuff on my plan, is not really non-relaxing. Hope each and everyone of you, who happened by today. Has a good day, or a better day than you thought, and if its crappy - I hope a little ray of sunshine breaks through to show you, your own personal, silver lining.  xxDee

PS. I really love this mornings sky. It's fresh, which is precisely how I plan on starting this weekend.

Totaled! And not just my car ....

It's been one of those weeks, hell - it's been one of those months.
Ever see that movie "Alexander- and the terrible, horrible,no good, very bad day" ?
Well - my life this month has pretty much been reminiscent to that movie. Not as glamours and I haven't found the silver lining just yet. So as you might guess, I am feeling rather cynical about it all.

First come lay offs - It is my husband's job to relay this information to the many people that he had to. To anyone who has had to do this, and legit cared about any of the people he/she had to say this to. Then you are well aware of how draining, and heartbreaking it truly is. For those of you who don't. Imagine telling a child dying of cancer, you found a cure (Watch their eyes light up with hope) And then say, but you can't have it. (That face) After the look of hope, is what something like that feels like. Drastic example, same emotion.

Same day - My daughter, decides to drop a bowl, breaking on her foot ... damn near cutting off her big toe. That is stressful as hell!

Fast forward - Nick wrecks the van. Our only vehicle, for our entire family. It is our way to work, so that we have a job to make money to put a roof over these kids heads.
YESTERDAY - Terrible day.
Totaled. That is what they called it. Totally, no doubt about it, totaled. The value of that ten year old van is not worth fixing to them.
So we are ass out!

Now lets add a little on going drama to this month. My mother. The woman who birthed me, the woman who I have done something - so terrible that I am deemed unworthy to love. In fact her words were - "I hated you even before Name omitted."
For those of you who do not know me, Name omitted, is a rapist fuck!
I legit had to look back on my life, to see what could I have possibly done. When (Name omitted) done what he done, I was in 6th- 7th grade? Hmmm ... that would put me at around (Erin - my daughter is in 5th grade- she is 10 almost 11) So I am guessing I would be - 12- 13 years old.
I am no innocent mind you. I was a pretty bad kid. After what happened with (Name omitted) I turned to drugs and I brought them into my mothers house. I stole her smokes on a constant basis and I lied about it. Because I knew my ass was going to get beat! I lied about a lot. I had an abusive alcoholic mother, lying was pretty much a way of life. It was that, or that belt with the backwards bottle caps glued to it.
Either way - What the fuck is a kid to do before the age of 13 - to be worthless to a mother?  Bottom line, her and I do not get along, I doubt we ever will. Frankly I let go, she let go and in all reality, my mother is dead. I'm not sure I really even had one in the sense of the word. I was never really raised by her. It was always my grams or my aunt and uncle. Sometimes strangers. Sometimes molester type strangers (Ben comes to mind here.) I left after (name omitted.) done what he did and was given to a woman my mom knew, she took me until - I screwed up royally and also that is about the time when what (name omitted) did -came out.  I went into a hospital, then to group home, became a run away in the streets, then off and on at my sisters. I think I went home to my mother once (when a boyfriend decided physical abuse was okay) She was with (Name omitted) still then, and that visit didn't last long. But really - I was not truly raised by this woman, when I did live with her, she was never really around. So yes, I do not feel I have a true mom.

Needless to say - that is back story to what is happening now. Me and my mom - no go!

So there is a family reunion being planned. Which I was under the assumption that it was being planned by my younger sister. There for, I was going through her to relay information. AKA whether or not I was going.
Keep in mind when I tell this story - I was unaware that my oldest sister was named 2nd in command to party planner. or whatever. No one, not one of them, said a word to me about that. There for, I figured, it was just the one.

I was mentally fighting with myself on whether or not to go. A few reasons. One, Their mom would be there, this same mom who has made it abundantly clear her hatred for me. So, I was a little iffy on the situation. I was unsure.
I was also unsure - because with the lay offs at my husbands job, we are nervous about our job security. We don't even know if we will have a job by the end of may.
Then there were date issues. Which we were in the process of figuring out.
I couldn't do the weekend of may 22nd, because I had already gotten myself involved with the color run. I couldn't back out, seeing how we had already paid for it, and it was at top of my list for things to do this year.
She said no problem, we could do June, then asked me when the kids got out of school for summer. ETC. We were still working on dates. We as in (me and the person I thought was setting this all up.)

Nick wrecks the van - I am a frazzled mess. I am stressed to the max, and in a moment of sheer panic and being overwhelmed. I vented to my sister, I vented "NO, I WILL NOT GO. I will not go because your mom is there. Because I do not trust that woman, I have no faith in her to be decent."
That really was true then, it still stands true today - that I feel that way about her.
That being said - after nick came home, and we talked about the van, made sure he wasn't hurt, etc. He told me to think it through. That- was my uncertainty about my mom reason enough not to enjoy a visit with all my sisters together.
So I thought it over - because I honestly did really want to see my youngest sister. I have not seen her in so many years. The one chance I had to see her, she left before I got there, because she had a fight with the family. I had always rather enjoyed seeing my middle younger sister, because I had always thought we were close. (I was wrong on that.)
One thing about my family - when one gets mad, they all gang up. Like vultures. They bully the other until steam runs out or one of the others screws up enough to focus their energy on the new one.
Anyway
He brought up the point that we can always get another cabin, etc. Which sounded good, so I was rethinking it over. I was still asking about dates. Because my decision had still not been made. And the dates were really the deciding factor now.

Forgive me - When someone is under the assumption that ONE PERSON is planning something, that person (name here is me.) Believes that it is *Their* Right to tell that person what their decision is.

I hadn't told my eldest sister that my panicked rant was not my final decision, because I was unaware that she had to know. I figured, she would know my decision based on whether or not I showed up. Since it was My youngest middle, who was booking the cabin in the first place. I felt she overstepped her boundaries by taking what I said to her, NOT IN SECRET nothing was ever a secret. I didn't care that the one I thought planning this knew I said that, because I figured that I could explain that I was ranting and stressed and wasn't sure if I meant it. I figured that sister would have the heart to understand that, but instead - they called me a liar, and said I was over reacting.

(When you do try to tell the person that you did say it, but you really are still unsure, and the person who relayed your decision to the person jumps in with "Excuse me, but did you say you were or weren't going." It makes you feel attacked. So instantly I was on the defensive side.

 I don't feel I was over reacting.. I do not feel I am in the wrong for being upset. I get that she says, its not like I announced your pregnancy or a marriage or divorce or what not to anyone, I get that. But to me, my business is just that. MINE. It was not her place to tell anyone anything. It was mine, and mine alone.
GRANT YOU -- she sees it justifiable, because she was one of the family reunion planners. Which neither told me about, until the last rant in a group Facebook message.
Had I known that - I probably wouldn't have been angry. I would have just explained myself. But instead, not knowing, I felt violated.


just giving a little inside information for why this week, this month has been a rather shitty one.

I did learn a lesson though. That letting go of people, blood or not. Sometimes is very much needed. Sometimes, its those who are related to you, that cause the most damage to your psyche.

 I am trying to rid my life of negativity. I guess my quest starts there.

Here is to hoping that April is a little better.

How not to start your Friday ...

You know days where you wake up, "On time!" Everything is going perfectly. You get the husbands lunch made, and him off to work, the kids lunches made, happy you had their favorites for the day. Everyone is on schedule. No one is going to miss the bus today. There is no fights like "Please mommy, can we please stay home?" You know, days that make you go ... Today- Is going to be a good day.

THAT WAS MY DAY.

I legit thought I was going to get away with an, oh so easy day. Not my case at all.
No shit, there I was. Doing what I do every other weekday, taking a moment to walk my Brittany to her bus stop. She is in high school and really there is no need for it. She doesn't need me, I just like grasping that little extra time with her. A little one on one time with her. She will be off to college soon and I have to take every moment I can with her.
It was a good walk, we talked, we laughed, we made creepy excuses about the fog. Then her friend, not really having a great day. She is rather upset, and I feel bad for her.
*Side note - to any teen who reads this*
If it seems like your mom or your dad is really riding your case, and you are at a loss at what it was you could have done to tick them off so bad.  Don't take it personal. Unless you are screwing up royally and know you are, chances are you just have a parent in a bad place. I myself have gone overboard with my anger. Grant you I do not hit my children, but I can be very blunt with words, I can get onto them about things that do not really matter, Sometimes parents are just having asshole moments, WE ALL DO THIS! or, we all will at some point. It doesn't change the amount of love a parent has for a child, and honestly, sometimes a parent sees that it is wrong, but allows their own guilt over feeling bad about it, to make the situation worse. Maybe ask them, if they are having a bad day and need to talk about it, or if there is anything you can do to make it better. Sometimes focusing their attention on anything they are nitpicking about, might help them ease up. A parent seeing a child, especially a teen, care -- sometimes that's all a parent needs to pull out of their own funk.
This by no means excuses that behavior. I am just saying, we are humans too - we muck up too.

Anyway -- Okay so I am walking home. Suddenly, my over active mind thinks ... "What would I do if I heard screaming from my home, someone is in there to rob my house and at the same time hurting my children." I do not know why I thought this, I just know that it contributed to the panic I felt when I did in fact HEAR SCREAMING coming from my home.
I am not a fast runner, but can say, in this instant, I could have given Olympians a run for their money.
I burst through the door, ready for anything ... Avery is standing in the kitchen, screaming at Erin, I pass the corner and I am greeted with a floor full of blood. SO MUCH BLOOD!
I see Erin sitting on the dining room chair, just crying ... there is cereal all over the floor, a broken bowl.
I can pretty much guess what had happened.

Erin- my lovely 10 year old daughter. Had just gotten out of her bath before school. She knew she had to eat before school and saw the bowl of milk-less cereal that I had left on the counter for her. "Typically" I pour the milk, but seeing how she was in the bath and no one likes mushy cereal, I was waiting until she was ready.
Needless to say, she lost her grasp on every thing and the glass bowl smashed to the floor, breaking on her foot. AKA, The foot you see in the photo.

It is a pretty good sized gash. I honestly think it could use stitches, but a friend who came to my rescue when I realized I had nothing, and I do mean NOTHING to bandage it with.
WORST MOM AWARD GOES TO ....... "Me!"
I am so completely thankful that Natasha was there to help. I will be getting a first aid kit tonight. I have learned my lesson.
I have got to learn to keep stuff like that put up, I have girls who like to pretend, and band aids or anything like that, tend to get used as props, and stickers!

So -NOTE - to parents. Make sure you have some sort of First Aid help around. There is nothing more heart breaking than when you see your child bleeding all over and have nothing to help them. (But a pillow case you clumsily in a panic wrapped around their foot.) Also - that anything can happen. I never in a million years could have pegged an incident like that.

I did get a lesson (Yes my mind rambles and hits every train of thought - part of being scatter brained I guess) I realized that our bucket of fake blood -- is so off. Real blood is a lot brighter, pinker red than I had thought. I will have to fix that.

Erin is doing okay - Her foot is hurting like hell, but that is to be expected. We missed the bus in the panic of getting her situated and I am sure the school is not going to be happy with me, seeing how they have missed so many days already. I wouldn't have allowed Erin to go anyway. I do not trust the school to have her best interest at heart. They would have her up and waking around. But darn it, I needed Avery in school!

I learned that I also do not think I have the stomach to do any mortician type job. Not when I was loosing my stomach cleaning up the mess. I do not think I will be able to eat captain crunch anytime soon.

This is so, not how I wanted to start my weekend. Here is to hope! Hoping today goes a lot more smoothly and that if any of you are having a day like mine, I hope yours gets better too. Have a good one you guys. xxDee

Oh the joy ...

Spring time has arrived. You know, I absolutely love springtime. You know what my favorite thing about spring time is?

• My favorite thing about spring is that a once dormant world, awakes. Saturating our eyes with little pops of color. Bringing to life the busy buzz of insects, shuffling out the curious wandering deer, bunnies, birds, raccoon's and I am sure many other different species of animals that lurk in the pine trees behind my home. I love the breeze. Both warm and crisp on my skin. I love the smell of the freshly cut grass- I love that light hoodies and flip flops can finally be trudged out, and I can now ditch my coats and sweats. I love that now more than any other season here in North Carolina, I can comfortably sit outside with a light blanket, a cup of coffee and a good book, taking in the mimicked sound of the ocean, that the pine trees in a steady wind seem to make. Listening to the chatter of birds in the trees, no doubt about it, they are enjoying the new found warmth, this nice spring day has brought, right along with me. Most of all, I love that spring arriving, is a sure sign that summer is on its way.

I spent all last night cleaning. For what you might ask? So that I could sit my butt down at my computer, after turning off all the electronics, so that I can get some real writing time in. What happened? Well, I am blocked. Aka, the reason I am online, writing this blog here.

You know, it is funny. How when I do not plan to write, inspiration will hit full force- and I find myself looking for napkins or old mail, so I can quick jot down a sentence or two before it escapes me. But, when I want to write, when I schedule a time to write, I swear it seems I am staring at a blank screen. 

It's a nice day though. It's supposed to rain, so there is a bit more of a chill in the air, than there has been in the last few days. I do not mind though. I actually really love, cool rainy days. Or warm rainy nights. I find it romantic, or comforting- maybe even a little of both. 

I've read that book I have to review. (Going down- the only guide you will ever need, by: Lillian Dai) Let's just say, that I will be reading and re-reading this one, and trying every single thing out for myself, so that I can give a better review. Or maybe I am just being selfish in the sack and using this as an excuse to have my husband on his knees. Either way, it is a fun review process. 

I am also using this scar gel stuff - I have a week and a half left before I have to give my review on it, and I would like to wait until then. Mainly because I want to give it time to see if it REALLY works. I am using it on three different scar type areas. A burn scar, a stitches scar, and a stretch mark scar. I would be happy to see results from any of them. I guess we shall see. 

I'll be giving my reviews on those two things soon. (I have to stay in good standing with Tomoson) Because I enjoy getting free stuff. Free for a honest review. Absolutely! If you like free stuff and want to try them out ... here is a link. Tomoson 

Well, if I am going to get any writing done before my three monsters get home, I better cut out all distractions and get at it. I hope that whom ever decided to stop by and waste a little time with me, has a lovely day. Smile at least once. Helps deter wrinkles!!! *More than a frown does, anyway :) * Have a great one xxDee

Is it right, or is it wrong?

A few days ago, I asked a question on Facebook. "That question," can be seen in the picture up top.
FIRST: Let me give you a back story, to how I even got to that question.

There I was, relaxing in bed, a Stephen King novel in hand. "Insomnia." Sipping on my morning coffee, and enjoying the leftover pop tart that one of the kids didn't finish before catching the bus.
When my phone rings.
"Hello?" It's my sister Bree. She is coming to me for advice. Instantly, I feel awesome. Not often does she do this. What is this advice on? A camera. What I thought about the camera she was considering purchasing.
I pull it up on Best Buy and I start glancing over the specs. MY GOD! I am jealous! I want this camera. It's twice the camera I have now, and I could really use it. It would improve the quality of my work. "Photography."
Honestly, it is a pretty awesome camera, and I think she will be over the moon happy with it. (When) it comes out. Turns out, its not even available yet, and no one knows when.
Either way - I turned green with envy. I looked at the price. $1699.99. *Damn!* Out of any price range I have at the moment, especially with more pressing matters at hand. "Paying off the car and saving so Nick can get a new one, fixing the upstairs AC unit, so that Britt can have her own room. Getting new tires because the ones on the van are going bald. Taking the girls to get new shoes and clothes because GOSH DARN- kids grow out of everything and fast! I cannot justify spending that amount of money on myself. Not when there are so many other things that we need it for.
THEN BOOM!
An idea pops into my head. I bring it up to Bree, she is for it! Totally for it. GO FUND ME. Now keep in mind, this is a story. I have NOT set up a go fund me account.
To me, I was torn. Torn by something that I really wanted. And lets face is, If all those girls saying, FUND ME, because I am cute and want to go to Vegas can get away with it. Maybe someone would fund me enough to help me get an awesome camera.
So I asked .... Was it ethical.
I am pretty sure that I knew the answer to this question when I typed it out. I think I just needed someone to agree with me first.
ALMOST ALL of the answers, were ABSOLUTELY, go for it! You are not pressuring them, you are not forcing them, it is up to them whether or not they do. So really, as long as I am telling the truth, I am not being shady.
It was really sounding good ... and quite honestly, it still sounds good.
But it's not me. I just cannot do it. It feels, morally wrong to me. Here I am saying, help me buy this camera. Basically I am that guy sitting at the intersections of the highway asking for handouts, only to drive away in a new car. (Grant you- not that bad.) But I am perfectly capable of earning and saving, little by little to get what I want. I was just being lazy and looking for a get it quick scheme. I found it! I have absolutely NO DOUBT in my mind that it would in fact work. But what I cannot guarantee is that guilt wouldn't eat me alive.
Now if I was trying to raise money for something worth while, like giving to the Red Cross, or a local animal shelter, then I would be all up on that. But for something so selfish as a new camera for myself. I just couldn't.

I am however, going to put away a little of each candle I sell, each book that I sell, each photography session I partake in - and eventually, EVENTUALLY, I will earn enough to get that camera.
So wish me luck on that. Someday, you guys will be getting an "I FREAKING DID IT!" Post with a picture of my over the top crazy smile, hugging a new camera.

OTHER THAN THAT, There isn't really a whole lot that is going on with me. I have however found a NEW FOUND love for my camera again. I admit that I had set it down. That only taking my camera out for a job, was taking its toll on my heart. I missed taking it out for random, doesn't really matter shoots. I just wanna take pictures. I am excited all over again about photography lately. I am quite enjoying it. My dog on the other-hand. Probably not as much as me. How adorable is he in those glasses. That face, just cracks me up.

I hope you all are having a great day. I also hope that if you have a go fund me account and are using it for something you want, please do not take offense to what I said here. If you wanna go balls to the wall and get what you want, You will get no judgment out of me.

Have a great day everyone. xxDee

Blood Boiling

You know that peaceful day I was having? Completely CRASHED down into a sea of red. Anger, that is how I feel right now. Fucking ANGRY as hell!

People, people make me sick to my stomach. Legitimately sick to my stomach. You know how they euthanize animals, because no one wants them, they are over populating the world, etc. Well, maybe we should re-think whether or not that should be an option for people like this.

Sitting in my driveway, waiting for my girls to get off the bus. Something I do every weekday that they haven't talked me into staying home.
Never mind that, I try my best to keep my yard well kept, never mind that he flicked his smoke butts into my yard, and in my drain pipe. Those butts will just wash out into my yard later. That is not what this is about, that did however irritate me too.

What pissed me off was the sheer lack of humanity, compassion for an animal.
These people, I do not know. They are young. Early 20's maybe. Placed at my driveway for the bus stop. Which isn't what I mind either. What I did mind was what they were saying.

What did they say that pissed me off royally?

Husband to the redhead - Got a new toy. A gun. What were they gloating, laughing, and making a fun fuss over what he was doing with that gun?
Shooting animals. Namely (so far) Just a cat that wondered into his yard. Let me correct that, not his yard, but a yard belonging to someone he rents from.
SHOOTING FUCKING ANIMALS!!!!!!!
Are you mother fucking kidding me? Why? Because they wondered into your yard? What did he say after that. It's fine, there are all kind of cats and dogs wondering around here.
(Which there are.- North Carolina, at least the part I live in, has a no leash law.)
Instantly, all I could think about was this helpless cat. This helpless orange cat that had been shot in the head by some other pathetic excuse for a person "Lowlife!" This same orange cat survived! I nursed him back to health and legit took pride, when I saw him walking around the woods. THEN, Again. I have a feeling the same asshole, did it again.
THIS TIME, there was no saving him. He was too far gone. I will never forget the look in that cats face. I will never forget the tears I cried when Nick and I put it out of its misery. I will never forget the heart break or he anger when we had to bury him in our backyard.

Then I think of another cat -- it's face mangled. It had been hit, beaten and maybe even shot. I am unsure, it was too scared of humans, I couldn't get close enough to save him.

BUT NOW --- All these few years later that I have tried to get those memories out of my heart. Because I seriously cannot understand the disregard for an animals life. But after all this time, its drudged up!

All I can see are all these pets, out and about. Most cats around here are inside/outside cats. Some dogs get free on accident. and now with people on this street, they have a reason to worry. PETS, Peoples pets! Look at that kitty face up there. That is my kitty Amelia, she is an indoor/outdoor cat. Should she be shot?
You know what they said they do after they shoot them? Just throw them in the road, or take them to the highway!
WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?????????
I swear, sometimes that movie "The purge." Makes absolute sense. If it wasn't illegal, I would so choose my own purge days. People like this. They wouldn't exist.

They plan on shooting "Cats, dogs, birds, raccoons, and deer." Hope they do not kill a redheaded woodpecker, those are protected. Their ass would be smacked with a big fat ass fine.

JUST THROW THEM ON THE SIDE OF THE HIGHWAY! what the hell! They truly are fucking scum.

Called the Sherriff. All I can do is make a report and from there call animal control and let them know what is happening.

What world is it that we live in, that we cannot protect the animals that inhabit it with us. I'm highly upset. Let's just say-- they are lucky that hurting people is illegal, and I don't want to go to jail.
I swear, sometimes I love animals more than I love people. I am sorry, I just really needed to rant. Needed this off my chest. Now I need to go find the cat they shot and threw into the woods behind their home, so that I can bury it.

Fuck them! And people out there like them. If you are heartless, shooting helpless animals, then I hope someday you are outside and someone does you just the fucking same!

Signed ... pissed the fuck off!

No complaints out of me - not today.

Today- today is going to be a good day. I have decided and so it will be. At first I wasn't really sure. But right now, at this very moment- with the cool breeze upon my face, the smell of lavender in my nose and the sweetness of my tea coating my mouth- it WILL be a good day. I need it to be.
(Note- This is thursday- life got in the way and I never finished this post.)

TODAY/Today, as in Monday of the following week from that Thursday --It is a good day.
I remember Thursday, I remember why it started off rocky. Family issues. I am sure some of you have a family member you do not get along with too well. Well ... I was dealing with those sort of issues. There for, I was sure the day was going to be a crap day. But it wasn't, it really wasn't.

FIRST GREAT THING on Thursday, was my AC got fixed! FINALLY! If you have been following any of my blogs, maybe you have come across one or two of me bitching about the damned AC, and how long it was taking to get fixed!
Well, that day I called to switch my Case worker (She didn't end up switched) BUT the people handling my system did get switched. BELL COW! (Funny name right?) But memorable and very much the people you want at your door if you have an issue with your system. Link to Bell Cow (if you ever need them)
How crazy is that? You get assigned a shitty company and two and a half months later, nothing has happened other than getting a huge bill for 1450 (starting price-more if they find more work needing repaired) You call to get a second opinion, because A. You know these people are just dicking around and B. if that is really the price, you sure as hell are not paying it to an undeserving company. There was some uncovered cost -- but ($300) is a lot more tolerable to swallow than $1450.00 plus. THANKS BELL COW!

It has been a long, and I do mean long last week and long weekend that followed. But today, this Monday (Yes!) Finally a day to relax.
I have been working my ass off in the yard. Lets say 10 plus years of pine needles raked (literally took me two days) for just an eighth of the yard done. (Sigh) But looks nice.
Two trees down - That part is (Meh :/) I really wish we could have saved those trees. But unfortunately due to the sewer guys who installed our tie in pipe. (They cut right through) Key major roots of those trees and they were dying and leaning towards our home. One good ice storm mixed with a stable wind and they would have fell. Would have taken out the whole front of my home (Britts room.) and the garage. So it was a matter of - house or trees.
Bonus, I will get to plant something with a less invasive root, so I will feel like I am giving life a little. Also, the tree parts, I will dig out the tops off, add soil and use them as planters. So the tree didn't have to die in vain. It will nourish "Mint, rosemary, sage, etc."
It was a full week of outside work, so today -- and for the rest of this week, I have decided that inside work is the way to go. I'm just tired as hell and quite honestly beat the hell up. Scrapes and bruises all over.

Got a cool picture of a red headed woodpecker. They are endangered in these parts. (I know Ft. Bragg- protects them.) I'm wondering if I can find a few nests, take the pictures of them ... if I cannot save the woods behind my house from getting chopped down for more cookie cutter homes.
I do not really have much faith, due to the fact that they just chopped down a shit ton of trees to build a lot of houses down the road (but get this.) There is a HUGE white sign saying, wetlands, preserved.  They are not supposed to be building there. It was supposed to be preserved. But thanks to some rich yuppy, they got the permits and now they are building away.
I am quite pissy, and sad about this. ONE, I bought the house I live in, because I loved, ABSOLUTELY LOVED how many trees were around. Every where else we looked, there were no trees, and now they are taking them away. and TWO. The wildlife, I am literally witnessing them being drove out.
All the deer - They are hunkering closer to streets, in our yards, because their home is being taken away. I feel a sort of rage because of it. But I am at a loss on what I can do about it.

Religion has been playing a huge part of my life lately. I was never really a religious person, I am not a crazy nut job who is going to show up at your house and say pray or hell or anything. But there is no doubt about it, my curiosity is peaked. Not to mention, my big sis Bree. Darn her.
So she tells me about this documentary, about how god could be aliens, OF COURSE she can not remember the name of the Netflix documentary and I really want to see it. Anyone out there know of a Netflix documentary about god being an Alien, it supposedly touches base with all things in the bible and makes sense. I cannot help but having the want to see it for myself.
Either way -- I guess I am just lost in this subject.
Right about now, I am simply hoping that believing and doing good is enough, because the life I have led. Some of my thoughts. I can't say I am worth loving enough to be saved.
Maybe all the curiosity stems from the fact that I can feel my mortality. I can feel the years, I can sense that the time is passing at a quicker pace than before.
Sigh -- I really do not know what to think of myself or what I think involving any of this.

Finished a book - another book. It's in editing. I edited it, HOWEVER, if you read my blog or anything I write, well -- then you know that punctuation, not really my bag of tea. I love the story telling, but I muck up editing. Thank god for people who know what they are doing in that department. I am so excited and I cannot wait. I have published a few other books since my first, but those are under a false name. I cannot wait to use my own name again. EXCITEMENT!

Well, its almost 3:30 which means I have two monsters who will be getting off the bus soon. I just wanted to update what was up with me. I hope that anyone who comes across this, has a great day/night ... do something that makes you smile! xxDee

PS. I absolutely love that picture. I snapped that rose sitting lonely on a table at the beach park at myrtle beach. I simply thought it was beautiful. Have a great one xx