There is no excuse other than I lost it. I just fucking lost it.
I was having such a shitty week, and Friday was no better, and I guess I just got to that point. Ya'know? That point where you just say "Fuck it! and fuck you!
But in all places for it to happen, my blog, which is all me, is a pretty damned appropriate place for it to happen. (I also regret responding on my sisters Facebook poll- Not because what I said was wrong, but because in all reality, this was personal. Also - because I allowed them to use the lines "Playing the victim" after they blocked me. I gave them that fire to use me as their pity party. "You see what we deal with?" LMFAO. That sucks, but it is what it is. Which in my own opinion, I do not think it is considered "Playing the victim." If you are standing up for yourself. If anything, I see that as strength to put up with it all. I may not have done it very well, but I did the best I could - given the amount of stress I was under.
No doubt I burnt a lot of bridges yesterday, bridge to what? I am unsure. I guess a bridge to disappointment, and uncertainty. (My therapist - has already told me, that (in her own words.) Those people are not good for you.) So maybe it was good thing I set those bitches on fire. No doubt they have spread their hatred through lies, and over-used statements like "She's unstable." I know this, because my daughter came to me, asking if she should delete her aunt. Because she felt uncomfortable seeing two of her aunts bash me with a bunch of strangers. (Thus, proving my point of what my family is like.) "It was up front and center on her feed."
What do you tell your kid when a situation like this pops up? I did my best, I simply told her, it was her choice.
(Side note.) I do not think it is fair for anyone to use that statement. "She's unstable." on me.
First off, I am not unstable. I just do not deal well with assholes. I defend myself when needed and genuinely get pissed off at the stupidity and the blatant lack of respect out of others. I do repeat myself it seems, because I feel like people get stuck on what they are seeing in their own minds, that they do not stop for a second to legit listen, or hear at all. I do not understand how that makes me unstable. (My guess) Is that because I have a little paper stating that I am bi-polar, and that I see a shrink, that is the "thing to say" when I am not agreeable. Or should I say "When I am not agreeing with them."
Either way -- back on point!
I do not know if I did the right thing there. For fear of them repeating the line "She always has to play the victim" line, I say this hesitantly. Should I let my children choose? Or should I protect them from the same shit they will no doubt face someday because of some of these very same people?
I really do not know the answer here.
Learned a few lessons here : CHILDREN DO see and hear and understand a lot more than I give them credit for. ALSO, Brittany, my eldest, is a hell of a lot more logical than I ever was, or ever have been or maybe ever will be. I could really learn a lot from that kid. She truly amazes me daily.
Enough about the drama --
Yesterday turned out better than I thought. After my morning meltdown (cry fest) Things got better. I talked to my baby sister Jackie, made a separate plan to see her. I legit am looking forward to that. Then, I listened to Britt. Who knew my own kid would be the one to give me sound advice?
Just let it go. Who cares what they tell people, who cares what others think. They can say what they want. All they are doing by both bickering and smash talking about you (while your blocked) is proving that what you said was true. Maybe you should stop worrying about the family you don't have, the fact that they don't measure up to your standards and focus on the family you do have. The ones right here in this house.
NOW TELL ME THAT'S NOT A SMART KID! She get's it from her dad. I get sucked in too easy and I allow everything to affect me. Again, I say, I could really learn a lot from her.
Hearing her say that - I started to focus on what really mattered. My life, the here and now. I got a few thousand extra words written in a story I have been working on. (Last night, I have hope for more today.) The van, yeah, it's totaled.(They will be towing it off for auction this weekend) But we found a maybe car which turned into new car at CarMax. They will just tack on what we still owe on the van, to the new car. It's a step better-off than we were! Can't complain about that.
Focused on Jeri (She is this amazing girl I call a friend.) Focused on the things she gave me to focus on when trying to get me to just breathe. I focused on Jami, (another amazing friend) who took the time to try to make me smile, which in spite of everything. I did smile! I guess, I stopped my own self pity party and found things to be thankful for.
I guess my point to anyone out there who reads this is - that when everything seems to be crumbling down around you, both by your doing and by others, or only others (whatever your case is.) - Walk away for a second. Just breathe and focus on something, anything other than the negative.
Once I stopped looking at all the bad shit, and started focusing on the good stuff, my blurred picture of what I have to be thankful for, tuned in a lot clearer. It's clarity smacking me in the face.
Take it from me, fixating does absolutely no good! it doesn't change anything. It just hones you in on the same stuff you have got to be getting yourself out of. honestly, you just feel down right awful, and none of these people in anyone's lives, deserves that of another. No one is worth your inner peace.
Today, thankfully is a sit and relax day. (Kind of.) Nick has a new toy, so he will be out there detailing it, like guys do. I think I might walk Marley. It's nice out. I could use a nice walk, clear my head. Also, later tonight we have chorus practice. I do not know about any of you out there, but relaxing, is exactly what I need. Thank goodness, the stuff on my plan, is not really non-relaxing. Hope each and everyone of you, who happened by today. Has a good day, or a better day than you thought, and if its crappy - I hope a little ray of sunshine breaks through to show you, your own personal, silver lining. xxDee
PS. I really love this mornings sky. It's fresh, which is precisely how I plan on starting this weekend.
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