When is enough, ENOUGH? How much regret do I have to face, before I can just put it all behind me and move the hell on?
I am trying so very hard, just to move on. I cannot change my past. I can not fix it. But I can and have learned from it. I just want out of the torment of my conscious. Between talking with my sisters, and my therapist, gaining their input through their own experiences, I think I have what it takes to accept and move on. Now if I can just get others to cooperate.
Got to say, that today ... I am feeling rather desperate in all that.
One step at a time they say. Tie up loose ends, and keep going.
One loose end, tied tight this morning.
I didn't mention this, mainly because I haven't been blogging like I should. I got into it with the Behavioral health center that I am being seen at. I have trust issues, and when I feel like someone, or someplace is being shady. I bail. I do not need that kind of shit in my life. "Of course, when I say, BAIL, I mean, I panic and flip out and run away" I have issues, you know this! Because I have said it. Either way, it was all a misunderstanding, its all fixed. I still feel like there was something going on behind the scenes, but I am thankful I still get to see Jan. I thoroughly enjoy her company. In all honestly, I really cannot wait until Feb, 5th. I feel like I really need her this time. Somethings in my life are just proving to be too much. While I can fake bubbly on the surface for a little while. I am losing the patience needed to keep the fa-sod going. Truth, I am sick of faking it. I just really want to be happy.
Stalled out on writing yesterday. I think, mostly because I was hung over. When you don't drink normally, and you down a few Captain and cokes. You tend to get a little over the top tipsy. I regret that! I would say that I will NEVER drink again. But I have already said and gone against that many times in the past.
Been thinking a lot about school.
Recently, I had a friend pass away. Went to his wake. It was my first wake ever, and I thought I would freak out and be scared. But I wasn't. I was disappointed. (this is where thinking about school comes in.) I couldn't help but notice how badly the makeup was done. How them gluing his lips together the way they did, made him seem anything but himself. I know how I felt. I can only imagine how the family felt. I want to fix that for people. I never want people to go through those feelings.
Between a two year program to get "My associates degree in applied science" And a program to get my certificate in Cosmetology. I am thinking I want to be a mortician. I would rather just be the embalmer, slash, clean them up and get them all dolled up to where they would be pleased if they were alive and looking in the mirror that day."
I don't know, it sparked something in me, and I can't seem to get my mind off anything else. So I am looking into schools around me, that can get me on the path to where I am pretty sure is what I want to do.
anyways .... that's me. That is my thought process today. Only other thing I wanted to share at the moment, is that adorable picture up there. I told you guys, I was going through my hard drives. I have come across soooooooo many adorable pictures. That there, is my Adorable daughter Erin. When she was 2. TBT. Hope you all have a wonderful day xxDee
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