Why?
Because I have a history. My whole family has a history with abusing substances in one way or another. Whether it was me as a kid, smoking pot, snorting coke, or trying LSD occasionally, mixed with abusing NyQuil to gain a little shut eye or my ability to binge drink at random times. or the fact that-- most of my family reign from being huge pill pushers or alcoholics.
I am afraid of pills. So much so that it takes me a ton of pain before I will give in and take Tylenol for a head ache.
I do not know how I feel about them at the moment.
It came, that familiar feeling of suffocation and panic, mixed with a swelling rage that pretty much ensured my ass was about to freak the fuck out.
Xanax ,,, at first in all reality, i thought it was a bullshit pill. Did not do much for me at all. I was prescribed a low dosage and that very well could be the reason I feel it did nothing.
Moments that I feel I am having an attack, it takes close to forty minutes to get me through it without medicine, and it took the same with it. Then my husband Nick let me in on the secret that I can take more than one. So, I took two ... two was a little more effective.
Today I found my magic dosage.
two and a half. making it .75 grams in total. I was good in less than five. I feel a little tired. But it works. I am really second guessing myself if I really am against them or not. Which then started making me wonder if I am against them for my other issues either.
Tell you the truth .... when I first started taking my last med, It did work, or was working. But then I followed the instructions and upped it after a week, then I got a side effect that I just wasn't willing to go through. So I go back down to my original dose, but suddenly, it wasn't enough. It left me at an edge of almost sane.
Which I think is where a lot of frustration when I quit came in. Because for a moment, I got a taste of normal. I felt okay. I felt focused. I felt NORMAL. Or what I imagine was normal. Which I wouldn't hate so much having found that out until when I stopped taking them, I felt just how out of control and how un-normal I truly felt inside.
Maybe I should re-think this.
Needless to say, my fingers are tapping, I am surrounded by noise, and in all honesty today has been a very ruff day, Between seeing a friend going through hell and feeling her hurt with her, to a house over filled with noise from crazy kids and a shit ton of extra people and knowing that I will miss the hell out of them tomorrow when they leave. I am still not stressing out as much as I would be.
Thanks Xanax,
I do not know if its an addictive drug when used as you are supposed to. I truly hope not, because I am terrified of being a drug needing fool. I don't want to have to rely on it. But I am thankful for moments like these.
The picture above is one of my xanax friends dressed as a druggy. What can I say? I was bored and it fit the topic. I love that LINE app. Lets you dress up any picture that you take!
Not that I really had anything important to say here, just more or less, giving myself something to read later when I say I do not want to take medicines. I do not want to depend on them. To see that maybe, even I do not completely believe myself on this one.
I wish there was non narcotic anxiety meds. Anyone out there know of any I could suggest to my doctor?
xxDee
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