This year is off to a heavy start. We lost a dear friend Dec 29th. and today marks his funeral. I couldn't help but think, while walking out to the car that "Robert, really would have loved today. He would probably be out back futzing around, or chopping down trees with his good friend Jerry. I would see his boys playing in the back woods, Kyle with his bright, cheerful laughter and Josh with his I know what I am doing so follow me brother type attitude." I thought ... "I'm going to miss that."
I can still see him. The last time I seen him. His image has burned itself in my memory. His voice on the phone "Hey Mrs. Diane, it's Robert ... Do you mind getting the boys today?"
Going to his wake, served both goodbye and wonderment. He was missing his cap. He needed his cap, because he was rarely without it.
He was one of those people who once you met, or I should say, the moment you met him, you just knew! You just knew that he was someone worth knowing. I won't pretend to know his life, whether or not he was a sinner or model citizen. I can only say what I saw, as his neighbor and as his friend. He no doubt about it, was worth knowing.
Half of my tears are for him, the other half for the family left behind. Seeing those boys and Natasha cry, it just killed me.
All of this has set reality in tune. It's now playing its intrusive melody in my mind. Death, is a certainty. We are not promised tomorrow, hell ... we are not promised five minutes from now or even a nano second. Nothing absolutely NOTHING is set in stone. It set in perspective, just what really is important.
It's not the new necklace or pair of earrings your boyfriend got you, not the flowers, or chocolates. It's not a shiny new car, or a god damned pair of shoes ... It's the people, its you.
Chase my dreams .... suddenly seems so important, even though the dreams I have chosen to chase aren't something that will win the Nobel prize, or make me president. Even some of my dreams seem irrelevant.
I almost broke my phone the other day. I was scrolling through pintrest. I noticed half a hour had passed. My children all sat around doing things on their own, I could have broke. Why am I wasting time looking at things that do not matter? Instead of holding my children close?
I watched those boys cry for their deceased father and thought ... that could be my girls. At any moment.
Chase my dreams caught a new meaning in my heart. My dream or my ultimate dream is happiness. I want to create memories that my children can remember. That I can hold onto.
Suddenly nothing seems more important than the people you love.
I think fear was instilled in me today. Fear that I might not make it to see my children grow old. Fear of hurting them and causing their tears and me powerless to console them.
I am just sad and afraid.
I plan on running my 5k, I plan on writing .... but I mostly plan on just being present. No more hours on facebook. No more face stuck in a pointless reality show when I could be playing twister with my girls or making love to my husband. (I choose the latter - twister and love)
Time is a tricky thing , sometimes in a blink, it can just be over.
Chasing dreams can not wait ... or we might miss the opportunity to chase them.
Get out there guys ... snuggle up to those you love every chance you get. You never know when that chance might be lost forever. xxDee
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