Why did I cut off my hair? (see that Elsa braid I was sporting in the picture?) I miss it. Reality is, that I know why on this particular question.
Because I was growing my hair out to completely natural. It finally got long enough to cut off the rest of the dyed portion. I swear the past few years, my hair has been *Black, dark brown, red, strawberry blonde ... etc.* Its nice to be all natural again.
My light brown (dirty blonde) with OH MY FREAKING GOD!!!!! GRAY!!! Wtf???? I'm 32 and I have a huge gray strip through my hair. Damn it all to hell! I said I would just rock it, But, I might just dye it. Who knows what color next. Maybe I will take a cue from my daughter Erin and go purple, or blue!
Most of my why's are the normal why's. Why do I constantly get myself into situations I shouldn't be in. Why do I help people who constantly shit on me, why do I stick around when I feel unwanted? Why can I always see the beauty in other people, but not myself. Why can't I take a compliment? Why can't I be pretty like those models on Americas next top model, why do I have to be so freaking short? (I can't reach anything.) Why can't I just have Leo. Why does no one around this freaking town seem to know how to do their damned job? Why the freak is my dog always hitting me in the face with that damned rope toy. (really think I will take that away- he only seems to do it when I am sitting and writing. Little asshole)
Another why ... why do I not wear make up anymore? I was just scrolling through photos that sync to Facebook, and I realized ... I used to always wear makeup. I do not think a day went by without me having my hair and makeup done. Why did I stop?
This one got me.
Did I just give up? Did it stop when everything in my life decided to take a downward spiral to hell? I used to feel a lot better about myself. Maybe I should take an extra effort again.
That why led to ... am I depressed? I don't feel depressed. I smile, I laugh, yet ... There does seem to be a piece of me missing. Honestly feel like I am losing grip on me, by trying to be what everyone else expects of me. I am so tired of faking that god damned smile, but I do not want the questions. You know ... the, what's wrong? Did I do something? Are you okay?
I should be okay ... But something just feels off.
I am still seeing a therapist and maybe she will find the answers, or help me find them. Maybe by time she ransacks my mind I will end up in a padded cell room. Who the hell knows.
I had a dream the other night, I tried to decipher it on Dream moods, but I had no luck.
I'm in a forest of some sort ... surrounded by fog. Suddenly I am surrounded by wolves, they are nipping at my heels. I'm torn between the feelings of "Fleeing, and wanting to pet one." I stand there, looking into their snarling faces, watching the drool pooling from their faces, I felt like I was about to be devoured completely, but couldn't move. I take a deep breath and I move towards them, all but one backs away. I kneel down - (Don't ask why, I guess we just do dumb things in our dreams.) I held out my hand , I realized that I was holding a lily - I was offering this flower to this wolf. Before I knew it, It pounced.
I woke up sweating my ass off and holding my hands up in a shielding position. It was intense.
Today was an okay day - Nick stayed home sick from work. My me time, was interrupted, I always feel guilty if I do what I should do when he is home, I can't stand the thought of making someone feel ignored or neglected. I wouldn't want to feel that way, so I try my best not to do it to others.
I guess that means tomorrow, I will work extra hard. After my date with Lisa that is.
I am kind of excited ... someone asked me, to help them!
I realize that sounds strange, but I rarely know how to do anything someone else doesn't already know.
She wants me to teach her how to make homemade pretzels. I am actually excited about it!
Anyway, nothing really new in Dee-land. I am just writing about whats up with me, for anyone out there who happens to cross it, who might be going through the same, who might have advice, or who might just want to know they aren't alone in it.
I hope that anyone and everyone who comes across this has a lovely evening xxDee
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