I have not seen a shrink since my younger years. I was a rebellious asshole going through things no child ever should, and to be frank ... I did not give it a chance. I snubbed my nose at it. Refused to participate in a circle discussion with strangers I didn't know, who were undoubtedly going through very different things from what I was. I did not want to share my very private, very intimate problems with people I did not know, people I did not care to know, and people I did not trust. Forget the fact that half the people in the group were grown ass men and I was a young girl dealing with rape.
Needless to say, flashbacks of this time flooded my mind during the drive to their office to try this once again. I honestly didn't know what to expect. I didn't know what to think or feel. I had movie versions of what it could be like dancing in my brain, and I didn't enjoy any of their moves.
I figured though, that there are tons of people out there like me. People who shrug off that type of medical tools. People who gasp in tones of "Yeah right." when people swear it helps. I thought to myself, these same people might be in my same boat, on their way, not knowing what to expect and a little nervous. So I am giving my blow by blow play of how it all went out, to give someone out there a breath of "It's going to be alright, it really isn't as bad as we think, and that all in all, it really hurts nothing."
I get there. There's not many people in the waiting room. Just a few. There are doctors (shrinks) or whatever, in and out of the waiting area. My mind instantly starts sizing them up.
First up, an overly happy- annoy the hell out of anyone not high on drugs, woman enters. Immediately I glance at nick. "FUCK NO!" I mouth to him. Fully prepared to book it out of there if she's going to be the one they hand me over to. I simply have no patience for an over the top, in your face, bubbly, fake of a twit.
Next up ... A man. First I only hear him. "That man is a weirdo." I can not see him, but already I know he has the constipated look of an asshole!
I'm right.
He walks past, smug and arrogant. Besides the obvious fact that this man talks shit about people, out in the open. (Who knows what he says about his patients.) He is a man, I would never willingly open myself up to a man. I get a genuine paranoia when forced to tell anything intimate to a guy.
Then comes a tall, classy, very well put together woman. Maybe in her early thirties. Her face, some what snide and snooty. I'm thinking -no, I really do not want this one. I was willing to try. I doubt that she is the right fit for me. But I will try.
Hope gets a little brighter, when a tall blonde, a little older than me maybe but not by much woman bends down to talk to a kid seated next to me in the waiting area.
She's kind. She has an approachable and accepting face. At that moment, I hope out of all the ones I have seen, that its her. She is not the complete package. I don't feel like we will click instantly. But by far -- she is the best option!
My knee is bobbling up and down, I am twiddling my thumbs when I am not biting my nails. I'm a fidgety fucking mess. Suddenly, I hear -- "Are you Diane?"
I look over and up. There is a sweet, friendly Okay I can do this Face. She's in her late forties. Early fifties. Instantly as my hand meets hers and she introduces herself as Jan
I just know.
Every vibration in my being screams, I'm okay, this is okay. I automatically like her.
I get into the room. It's nothing like I expected. I thought, dark and moody maybe. But it wasn't. It was open and light. The colors bright and cheerful.
She tells me right away that she will be sitting in this chair, and asks if the couch is okay.
The couch is big and fluffy, too tall for my short legs, but it is comfy. I grab one of the pillows and put it in my lap. I always do this. Because I am insecure and for some reason, holding a pillow makes me feel better.
Before arriving, I imagined myself, crossed arms, tight lipped and annoyed. But the words just spilled from my mouth like an open milk carton pouring its contents into a glass. I didn't tell her my whole story. There was no need to. This was only an initial visit. She did how ever get key portions.
There were a few things she said that made things click ... things that made you just know.
I hate assumptions. I say this in guilt, knowing that, I, just as much as those around me, resort to assuming. But still ... I hate them!
She never once came across as, mind guru who you cannot deny. She never said - "When I see you next time, or next time you come in. Those words coming for a stranger assuming that I would in fact like to see them again would have come off as smug, arrogant. The, I know I am great and you know it too temperament, really gets under my skin.
To my surprise she repeated more than a few time IF you choose to work with me. That meant a great deal to me. That she didn't just assume that I wanted to.
Another thing that matters most to me is that she is willing to see if we can do all of what ever the hell it is that I need WITHOUT medicine! At least at first she would say.
I admit when I first started talking, I held in. We know me, or at least the people who keep up with me. I curse like a sailor, and I am an ass.
I was so proud of me though. Ten minutes in and I haven't cursed not once! HUGE for me! I am respectful. She's older, she is there to help. Why go off and scream out obscenities at her.
THEN she asked ... Well, what exactly did you say?
I looked at the ceiling then. Like it had the magic words to say what I truly said without spewing nastiness into the place I was feeling a bit less awkward in. I felt like. Here we go. Things are going to get weird now. She's going to think I am an ass with a bad mouth and send me on my way.
I couldn't find, fake better words. So blah, just vomited from my face. Shit, ass, fucking. etc. Pretty much, most of the words in the English language that we have deemed "Bad."
She didn't turn me away. She didn't seem the least bit shocked. In a way. It was freeing. I no longer had to put up the front that I was prim and proper. She knew, I had the mouth of a sailor and obviously a temper to boot. She really had quite a lot of insightful things to say.
One of the best things she said was that we were not going to focus, or make me repeat all the hellish memories of my step father being a rapist douche bag, or the way I was brought up, or how living on the streets while being a run away was terrifying and how that could have done the most damage to me. "Why is that best?" Because In my own opinion, therapists who are ready to place blame on those things, without being willing to discover all possible paths to the true root of the problem, seem, well ... they seem like assholes! I love that she said, UNLESS she feels that its the root of the problem of why I am feeling the way I feel now, then will will let it lie still.
I felt safe with her. (which is why I will tell you now) If you go to someone, and they do not fit, do not settle. I saw so many of those shrinks that day that I knew without a doubt that I would have trouble with. Feeling comfortable is a huge part of this kind of (hate to say it because it sounds so cliche) but ... recovery. With her, everything flowed effortlessly. That is how it should be. Should feel like an everyday conversation. Easy peasy stuff (at least for the initial visit, it might get a little harder when you delve into what the problem is.) but at first, Simple. At least that is what it was for me, and I can only write what I know. DO NOT SETTLE!
She opened up to me too -- I like that! That it wasn't only about me. That is what made it feel like, just a conversation rather than someone judging your scale of mental health. She told me personal things. Whether or not they were stories she's heard from others like me that she is using to her advantage at that particular moment, or her own. It helped to hear them. I felt better able to open up myself.
She did keep looking at the clock and I found myself more than twice wondering if she found me boring, or annoying and just wanted me gone. She invited me back, so I couldn't have been all that bad. Or maybe I am some sort of sick entertainment.
I find it funny -- seriously, I sat on that couch watching her eyes dark to whatever was behind me. Instantly, I was thinking... Does she keep looking at the clock? I almost turned to look, but I didn't want her to know that I was curious about that. I do not know why it was important she not know that I was wondering if she was watching the time, but it was. I only had my suspicions confirmed on my way out when I took a peak over my shoulder.
My sister says they do this, because there is a time limit, they have to watch the time so their next appointment doesn't wait, or because maybe they are so lost in it, that perhaps they are simply checking that time hasn't gotten away from them.
Another thing I found myself weary over, was the notebook. When they sit and listen and sit and listen and then you say something that you are no longer sure if it sounds sane, can not remember your exact wording, because now, all of your focus is set on the fact that they are jotting down something about you. I am a very curious person, the thought that she has done that a few times, and the knowledge that I still do not know what she wrote is eating me up a little.
Does she think I am crazy?
Anyways ... My husband asked. "Do you feel better?"
I had to think for a moment then ... I didn't feel better. I felt -- Hopeful.
It wasn't the worst experience in my life, and honestly I find myself rather thankful that I go again next week.
Whatever it is that is wrong with me, what ever it is that I can't seem to get completely under control -- It may or may not get better. In the end though, I feel hopeful.
And what is hope, other than a step in the right direction of (potential better.)
Lessons learned, Do not base what you think the outcome will be off a moment in the past that in truth you never gave the chance.
That it is okay to need to talk to someone, to vent, rant and rage. That it actually is quite beneficial to have someone on the outside, someone you do not see everyday. someone unbiased to anything involved. Someone who can give fresh perspective. Who doesn't get offended. Trust me, you rant to your husband because he might be being an asshole and one or two things might very well push a button straining the air and causing problems.
I will not go into detail about what we talked about, I will however say ... that even in just that one visit, I saw some things I was seeing rather negatively ... in a new light.
Hope anyone who came over to see me today, has a good day! xxDee
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