Day 2 (Shrinkage) Also (Overhills High school Band- part of performance)

I was wrong, totally wrong. There was no clock where I had been sitting. I noticed that right away as I entered the room for the second time. Was I totally blind? Couldn't I tell a painting from a clock? Or did fear of rejection play a part in creating the illusion that I did in fact see a clock? I really should start wearing my glasses.
Either way ... There was no clock.
I guess when she had been looking over there, she had just been staring off. Most likely taking in what I was saying. I had just let my low self esteem to convince myself that she was watching the time.

There was no notebook this time either. No notes jotted down. That was a welcomed relief. She just sat there and listened. It was just a conversation between two people.

I found this trip easier. Maybe because I had already gotten my pent up aggravation out, with one crazy moment, standing in the middle of my bedroom, howling at the top of my lungs. No words, no curses ... just the blood curdling scream of my annoyance followed by the deep intake of air from lost breath.

This time felt ... well, it felt lighthearted. I absolutely adore her. Maybe its because I feel like she is the help I need. She holds that key to figuring out what exactly is irking me into being someone totally different than I feel I am. Or maybe its because I have an uncanny ability to fill the void of things lacking in my life and she fills one of those holes. She is motherly in a way. It is a comfort. Makes it easy to open up to her.

I noticed a change in me this round.

I wasn't nervous. There was no foot-tapping. No nail biting, no anxiety of what was to come. Just the vision of a welcoming friendly face as Jan turned the corner. I have been here, I have done this, I knew I was okay.

We talked. Or I did most of the talking, It was lighthearted for the most part. I mean, there were things that came up that were a little more broody than others. Thankfully she reads me well enough to know those things should be dealt with later. She simply reads the unspoken me and I like that.

One thing I would like to point out that I had stated in my first blog (is) They do not just tell you made up stories. They do not use others stories as their own as a tool to help you open up. (I asked her about this.) They will not tell you stories that are not their own, without first telling you that they have worked with someone who is going through (what ever the story goes through.) Trust that they are opening up to you as they are encouraging you to do with them. Or- at least the good ones are. I can only speak from what I am experiencing. She is one of the good ones and I am very fortunate that I get to work with her.

She had mentioned to maybe write down things that you are thankful for, on my first visit when I had brought up journal'ing and mentioned that I literally cried when I was faced with a blank page when I gave myself the assignment to write down things that make me happy. She suggested, things I am thankful for because sometimes finding things you are thankful for is easier than pinpointing a reason for happiness. I would write that I am thankful I gave this a chance, even when most of me struggled to be okay with it. With accepting I needed help. I am thankful for her. I have only seen her twice now, but already in such a short amount of time, as a person, as me. I feel a little better. That hope for making things tolerable and on their way to content, happy even ... gets a little stronger each visit. I'm thankful for that among so many more things.

This visit was a good visit. There were smiles, a few bits of laughter. I do not know if she laughed out with me, or if it was only my laughter that filled the room, but I do know I saw her smile.
I just know that in that moment, I have felt the most content I have felt in a very long time. I felt comfortable and content.

It also felt good to have something good to talk about. Be it bragging about Britts Christmas concert I was going to get to see her rock that night (which the video attached is just a small bit of that-- it wouldn't allow me to upload a whole songs worth - Darned restrictions) Or when I brought up Erins logic, on why she thought when she was angry, she should scream too -- after witnessing me lose my shit. Or even the moment in which I was standing there screaming, Out of breath and getting a grip I realized Avery was beside me screaming too - smiling while doing so. and How even in a moment of weakness- I couldn't help but smile at how cute that was. It felt damned great to be able to see some of the reasons I had to smile, instead of only focusing on all the bad. Feels good to know that you are not being negative, in at least a small moment.

She said something that got me to thinking, and I still am not sure how I feel about it. But it got me to thinking. She says a lot that gets me thinking. Which I think is a huge part of this process.

She asks -- Do you have a lot of friends that you do things with outside of your home.

I had to think that one through. I have friends. I see them rarely. But they are there. I do not do things with them on a regular basis, be it because I feel like a lot of my friends have a lot of drama, or the fact that I feel like, I barely have enough time for a bubble bath without interruption, how am I to make time for that too?

I feel like I am so limited on time as it is. I need that left over time to focus on things that I want. along with time for my family. I do not have time for friends. As sad as that sounds. That sentence alone makes me sad and concerned.

They say -- make time for yourself. Which is what I am doing when I use that time to do things I want, like blog, write, etc.
Am I doing it wrong?

I have text friends, (I make time when life allows it to text) I have facetime friends (that again when life allows I find time to see their smiling faces) I have social media friends (that unfortunately do to my continued growing lack of interest for social media - puts distance towards those friends) But I do make some time for even those friends. Do I have to go out too? Can't I just have some people over once a month and call it a day? It gets exhausting having life, kids, husband, wants etc. To have to also make sure that you see friends weekly. I simply do not have time for that. AFreakingParently, I am not very good at managing time. Do I really have to set aside time to go out and do things with friends? Am I being selfish if I choose not to? Is me not going out for a random (girls night out) Contributing to my pent up frustration?
I think I will make a note of that and ask her net time I see her.

My blogs these days seem more like diary entries, and maybe to an extent they are. I see them as a way into my thoughts, even thoughts - that are unclear to me. Maybe I have said something here that can answer a future question I may have. Maybe it simply lets me feel like I'm getting it all out. (you would think and hour of talking to a psychiatrist would be enough, but apparently I'm living up to my last name.

What ever it is ... I embrace it. I feel a little more like me. How I used to be. Which is funny, seeing how I still feel so far from what I feel I am. (I also find it funny that I have no idea what I meant by that, but I am leaving it , in case I realize what I meant later.)

Step by step -- I'm getting there.

I hope that anyone who is reading this ... has a great day. I hope that if you are going through something similar  Well, then I hope its going well for you, xxDee