Backtracking, Regrets .... When to just let go.

So before I had posted a blog that went into detail about some very personal things I was going through. My reasoning behind it, was to let people get to know me, THE REAL ME. Not just strangers who mosey on through, but the people I know in life also. I am better with written word than I am mouth to mouth.

When speaking, I get flustered, I get over agitated due to getting flustered in the first place, lets just say ... it never really ends well. That whole think before you speak is a lot easier in writing. I wanted people who did stick by me to see what I have to say, to get a sense of who I am, so that they can better understand me, or my point of view. My way of thinking, and why, if I say something a little off, they can understand me and the whys. It is very important to me, that people know me as in me, and do not just assume. So My blog is my way of putting that out. So that there is no room for misjudgments. It just is what it is. 

I did backtrack and take that blog down, because someone dear to my heart pointed out that it could be used against me. I hate Confrontations ... I really do. So it was better to take it down than to allow someone out there easy access to contribute and make worse the hell my life already has. I was given the advice to maybe go under a different name and let only the ones I trust know who I am. I thought about that. I do not think I want to do that. 

But I did think about it .... when it comes down to it though, I am so tired of pretending. I am tired of faking that smile, or grinding my teeth so I say nothing to the wrong person. We all claim to be free, yet we watch our every step. not to mention fake name or not, they are able to track down who it is written by and while I will take her advice and omit some things. I will not go into hiding. I do not want the responsibility of more than one blog. Sounds lazy I know, and it is. We all have our moments. I simply will keep somethings to my own personal journal! 

You know, its funny how much you can learn about yourself, JUST BY re-reading what you have written once in awhile. I wrote mainly when I was angry, in the moment of being angry, to try to calm that anger. "Note to self." It is iffy on whether or not writing while angry actually helps calm you down or invokes that anger stronger. That truly does depend on the situation. "HOWEVER." You can learn a lot about yourself and what causes your anger so that you can better find the better triggers, the roots. So that you can stop the anger in its tracks before things get taken too far. "That is a good thing." 

My sister brought up a question that to this moment, still has me questioning it. Why do we fixate mainly on the bad things? Like for instance, someone who you have told multiple times not to come onto your property does, you get angry. It ruins your moment and at the end of the day, if asked how your day was .... that moment is brought up. 

NOW! ........ 

Say for instance you are sitting down watching your favorite show and enjoying it. Truly content. Happy. WHY, does that take a backseat to my anger, some other peoples anger? Why isn't that the first thought with me or others when people ask about our day? A lot of people out there do exactly just like me. Do you know how many people out there, cant find free time to sit and enjoy a show, or can't because they simply cant. what ever the reason (too many variations, and I will drive myself mad trying to find them all.) So that is something good, something that let you feel good in that moment, yet it gets blurred by this ONE simple thing. Or two or three or how many ever things that day pissed us off. 

Either way ... MY POINT, that I was failing to get to because I go on long ass rants, is that ... We (and I use we loosely) rarely look at all the good things, things that we sometimes take for granted. Like a moment to laugh at the people falling down on "Ridiculousness." Or to see which one of your models made it in Americas next top model. Or even as simple as being grateful you had 20 bucks to get your child a new backpack because theirs broke. That you were not too broke yourself to do that for them. 

That point that we sometimes only focus on the bad... made me want to try a new approach to my journal. Through out the day, instead of writing what is making me stress out, what is pissing me off, who did this who did that , my world is ending blah, blah, blah .... I am going to write about the things that made me smile, happy, if even it was only for an instant. Not today though ... I have already started on today, and unfortunately I already mucked up only see the positive. 

I can say with all honestly, I am very nervous of this assignment I am giving myself. What if I am cynical  inside. What if I can't seem to see the good. I think an empty journal page would break my heart.

I need to learn to just let go ... just let go of that anger. To see the good. I regret that I didn't before.

Anyways ... those are my thoughts for the moment, to anyone out there, I hope you have a good day. I also hope that at least one thing in your day, makes you smile! xxDee