Totaled! And not just my car ....

It's been one of those weeks, hell - it's been one of those months.
Ever see that movie "Alexander- and the terrible, horrible,no good, very bad day" ?
Well - my life this month has pretty much been reminiscent to that movie. Not as glamours and I haven't found the silver lining just yet. So as you might guess, I am feeling rather cynical about it all.

First come lay offs - It is my husband's job to relay this information to the many people that he had to. To anyone who has had to do this, and legit cared about any of the people he/she had to say this to. Then you are well aware of how draining, and heartbreaking it truly is. For those of you who don't. Imagine telling a child dying of cancer, you found a cure (Watch their eyes light up with hope) And then say, but you can't have it. (That face) After the look of hope, is what something like that feels like. Drastic example, same emotion.

Same day - My daughter, decides to drop a bowl, breaking on her foot ... damn near cutting off her big toe. That is stressful as hell!

Fast forward - Nick wrecks the van. Our only vehicle, for our entire family. It is our way to work, so that we have a job to make money to put a roof over these kids heads.
YESTERDAY - Terrible day.
Totaled. That is what they called it. Totally, no doubt about it, totaled. The value of that ten year old van is not worth fixing to them.
So we are ass out!

Now lets add a little on going drama to this month. My mother. The woman who birthed me, the woman who I have done something - so terrible that I am deemed unworthy to love. In fact her words were - "I hated you even before Name omitted."
For those of you who do not know me, Name omitted, is a rapist fuck!
I legit had to look back on my life, to see what could I have possibly done. When (Name omitted) done what he done, I was in 6th- 7th grade? Hmmm ... that would put me at around (Erin - my daughter is in 5th grade- she is 10 almost 11) So I am guessing I would be - 12- 13 years old.
I am no innocent mind you. I was a pretty bad kid. After what happened with (Name omitted) I turned to drugs and I brought them into my mothers house. I stole her smokes on a constant basis and I lied about it. Because I knew my ass was going to get beat! I lied about a lot. I had an abusive alcoholic mother, lying was pretty much a way of life. It was that, or that belt with the backwards bottle caps glued to it.
Either way - What the fuck is a kid to do before the age of 13 - to be worthless to a mother?  Bottom line, her and I do not get along, I doubt we ever will. Frankly I let go, she let go and in all reality, my mother is dead. I'm not sure I really even had one in the sense of the word. I was never really raised by her. It was always my grams or my aunt and uncle. Sometimes strangers. Sometimes molester type strangers (Ben comes to mind here.) I left after (name omitted.) done what he did and was given to a woman my mom knew, she took me until - I screwed up royally and also that is about the time when what (name omitted) did -came out.  I went into a hospital, then to group home, became a run away in the streets, then off and on at my sisters. I think I went home to my mother once (when a boyfriend decided physical abuse was okay) She was with (Name omitted) still then, and that visit didn't last long. But really - I was not truly raised by this woman, when I did live with her, she was never really around. So yes, I do not feel I have a true mom.

Needless to say - that is back story to what is happening now. Me and my mom - no go!

So there is a family reunion being planned. Which I was under the assumption that it was being planned by my younger sister. There for, I was going through her to relay information. AKA whether or not I was going.
Keep in mind when I tell this story - I was unaware that my oldest sister was named 2nd in command to party planner. or whatever. No one, not one of them, said a word to me about that. There for, I figured, it was just the one.

I was mentally fighting with myself on whether or not to go. A few reasons. One, Their mom would be there, this same mom who has made it abundantly clear her hatred for me. So, I was a little iffy on the situation. I was unsure.
I was also unsure - because with the lay offs at my husbands job, we are nervous about our job security. We don't even know if we will have a job by the end of may.
Then there were date issues. Which we were in the process of figuring out.
I couldn't do the weekend of may 22nd, because I had already gotten myself involved with the color run. I couldn't back out, seeing how we had already paid for it, and it was at top of my list for things to do this year.
She said no problem, we could do June, then asked me when the kids got out of school for summer. ETC. We were still working on dates. We as in (me and the person I thought was setting this all up.)

Nick wrecks the van - I am a frazzled mess. I am stressed to the max, and in a moment of sheer panic and being overwhelmed. I vented to my sister, I vented "NO, I WILL NOT GO. I will not go because your mom is there. Because I do not trust that woman, I have no faith in her to be decent."
That really was true then, it still stands true today - that I feel that way about her.
That being said - after nick came home, and we talked about the van, made sure he wasn't hurt, etc. He told me to think it through. That- was my uncertainty about my mom reason enough not to enjoy a visit with all my sisters together.
So I thought it over - because I honestly did really want to see my youngest sister. I have not seen her in so many years. The one chance I had to see her, she left before I got there, because she had a fight with the family. I had always rather enjoyed seeing my middle younger sister, because I had always thought we were close. (I was wrong on that.)
One thing about my family - when one gets mad, they all gang up. Like vultures. They bully the other until steam runs out or one of the others screws up enough to focus their energy on the new one.
Anyway
He brought up the point that we can always get another cabin, etc. Which sounded good, so I was rethinking it over. I was still asking about dates. Because my decision had still not been made. And the dates were really the deciding factor now.

Forgive me - When someone is under the assumption that ONE PERSON is planning something, that person (name here is me.) Believes that it is *Their* Right to tell that person what their decision is.

I hadn't told my eldest sister that my panicked rant was not my final decision, because I was unaware that she had to know. I figured, she would know my decision based on whether or not I showed up. Since it was My youngest middle, who was booking the cabin in the first place. I felt she overstepped her boundaries by taking what I said to her, NOT IN SECRET nothing was ever a secret. I didn't care that the one I thought planning this knew I said that, because I figured that I could explain that I was ranting and stressed and wasn't sure if I meant it. I figured that sister would have the heart to understand that, but instead - they called me a liar, and said I was over reacting.

(When you do try to tell the person that you did say it, but you really are still unsure, and the person who relayed your decision to the person jumps in with "Excuse me, but did you say you were or weren't going." It makes you feel attacked. So instantly I was on the defensive side.

 I don't feel I was over reacting.. I do not feel I am in the wrong for being upset. I get that she says, its not like I announced your pregnancy or a marriage or divorce or what not to anyone, I get that. But to me, my business is just that. MINE. It was not her place to tell anyone anything. It was mine, and mine alone.
GRANT YOU -- she sees it justifiable, because she was one of the family reunion planners. Which neither told me about, until the last rant in a group Facebook message.
Had I known that - I probably wouldn't have been angry. I would have just explained myself. But instead, not knowing, I felt violated.


just giving a little inside information for why this week, this month has been a rather shitty one.

I did learn a lesson though. That letting go of people, blood or not. Sometimes is very much needed. Sometimes, its those who are related to you, that cause the most damage to your psyche.

 I am trying to rid my life of negativity. I guess my quest starts there.

Here is to hoping that April is a little better.