Moving on (Pushing Refresh)

Ever have something you have done in your life - rear itself out of no where, to slap you in the face? Seems like past mistakes, just keep creeping up. Seem's like I am forever trying to escape the impossible.

When is enough, ENOUGH? How much regret do I have to face, before I can just put it all behind me and move the hell on?

I am trying so very hard, just to move on. I cannot change my past. I can not fix it. But I can and have learned from it. I just want out of the torment of my conscious. Between talking with my sisters, and my therapist, gaining their input through their own experiences, I think I have what it takes to accept and move on. Now if I can just get others to cooperate.

Got to say, that today ... I am feeling rather desperate in all that.

One step at a time they say. Tie up loose ends, and keep going.
One loose end, tied tight this morning.
I didn't mention this, mainly because I haven't been blogging like I should. I got into it with the Behavioral health center that I am being seen at. I have trust issues, and when I feel like someone, or someplace is being shady. I bail. I do not need that kind of shit in my life. "Of course, when I say, BAIL, I mean, I panic and flip out and run away" I have issues, you know this! Because I have said it. Either way, it was all a misunderstanding, its all fixed. I still feel like there was something going on behind the scenes, but I am thankful I still get to see Jan. I thoroughly enjoy her company. In all honestly, I really cannot wait until Feb, 5th. I feel like I really need her this time. Somethings in my life are just proving to be too much. While I can fake bubbly on the surface for a little while. I am losing the patience needed to keep the fa-sod going. Truth, I am sick of faking it. I just really want to be happy.

Stalled out on writing yesterday. I think, mostly because I was hung over. When you don't drink normally, and you down a few Captain and cokes. You tend to get a little over the top tipsy. I regret that! I would say that I will NEVER drink again. But I have already said and gone against that many times in the past.

Been thinking a lot about school.

Recently, I had a friend pass away. Went to his wake. It was my first wake ever, and I thought I would freak out and be scared. But I wasn't. I was disappointed. (this is where thinking about school comes in.) I couldn't help but notice how badly the makeup was done. How them gluing his lips together the way they did, made him seem anything but himself. I know how I felt. I can only imagine how the family felt. I want to fix that for people. I never want people to go through those feelings.
Between a two year program to get "My associates degree in applied science" And a program to get my certificate in Cosmetology. I am thinking I want to be a mortician. I would rather just be the embalmer, slash, clean them up and get them all dolled up to where they would be pleased if they were alive and looking in the mirror that day."

I don't know, it sparked something in me, and I can't seem to get my mind off anything else. So I am looking into schools around me, that can get me on the path to where I am pretty sure is what I want to do.

anyways .... that's me. That is my thought process today. Only other thing I wanted to share at the moment, is that adorable picture up there. I told you guys, I was going through my hard drives. I have come across soooooooo many adorable pictures. That there, is my Adorable daughter Erin. When she was 2. TBT.   Hope you all have a wonderful day xxDee

Busy Busy Bee's

Busy bee Dee, or that is how I have been feeling lately. Oddly enough, I do not see a whole heck of a lot getting accomplished. But, I have been busy.
Doing what? You may ask.
Writing. Writing my little tail off to tell you the truth. I've been inspired. Really inspired!

A few years ago, and when I say a few years, I mean eight or nine years ago. My computers crashed, taking with it, all my writing. All my pictures. etc. Devastation is what I felt. Honestly when that happened, I was working on a book that meant the world to me then. I was 130 thousand words in, and It was going great. Then BOOM! All gone.

Well, the only thought that occurred to me then, was to take the thing down to Best Buy and visit Geek squad. But between, kids and bills and other things of want, I never really got around to it.

Just recently, I decided to Google, how to get stuff off old hard drives. Came across a site that offered a special cord. "Ordered!" six bucks. If it didn't work, I wouldn't be out much. Cord came, and NOTHING. Zilch! Turns out, the cord, really only works with "Laptop hard drives." Darn it!

At this point, I was on a mission, I was going to get the stuff off those hard drives, if it killed me. Researched You Tube (You can learn just about anything off of You Tube.) Googled. Binged. Etc. Turns out, the reason that cord will not work, is because unlike a lap top hard drive, a desk top hard drive "Cannot" be powered up without its own power supply. I was in luck though, Another cord would do the trick.
In total, I used a combination of both of these cords (one hard drive did not have the pins, it was more like a Nintendo type connection.)
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00HNXZXYU/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B008ASF5MC/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o01_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Vala! Success!

Ever since getting those cords to let me in on the mysteries of what was on those hard drives. I have been a working mess. A few books. Quite a few on that hard drive, One in particular caught my eye and I am working hard, to fiddle and fix it into publication. "Secrets within."

It's funny, finding something you wrote over 8 years ago. Reading it as I re-edit and re-write it, It's like going on the journey for the first time all over again. It's really neat.

So if anyone out there, has a few hard drives that they wish they could get pictures, or something else off. This could help you. "As long as it's not the hard drive itself that is fried"
Wanted to pass out that information, to anyone who comes across this and might just need it.

Hope you all have a great day guys! xxDee
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OMG ...Who is it?

So my day today, has been eventful! While, a good part of it was mainly in my head. I did learn a little something that I would like to pass on.

TELEMARKETERS are fucking assholes! There, I said it ! They are creepy little bastards with crazy tricks, right up their sleeves! 

Picture this .............

Me, sitting snuggled under a blanket, Evil Dead, playing on the TV. The phone rings, breaking the silence (we were at the part where they found the cats in the basement.)

"Hello?"

Just breathing ... all I could hear was breathing. I look at the caller ID. 

It's me! The call was coming from my home phone number, and I was the only one home. 

Flash to EVERY horror movie where baby sitters get a strange call that is found to be coming from inside the house, right before being brutally murdered FLOODING my head! 

Panicked, I search the house. Each and every room. 

I look like an ass. 

I'm flinging open doors, calling up the stairs, "If someones up there, I am calling the cops." Only to be greeted by silence. 

It's called "Call Spoofing." And it is a real thing. Telemarketers will call from your own photo number, or from a neighbors. Why? Because you cannot block your own number, and 9 times out of 10 people will pick up the phone for someone they know. TRICKY TRICKY! 

So .... you simply go to www.donotcall.gov and put your number in, and all the calls should stop. 

I wanted to share that, JUST IN CASE this happens to someone else out there, who might have the same reaction I did. But then ... still be safe! You never know if you blowing off a (maybe) telemarketer can get you swanked in the kidneys on your next bathroom break. 

Needless to say "This time." There wasn't some psycho killer in my house hiding in some dark corner, thanks to my Charter communications, I know that, and I won't be spazzing around at night wondering if there are any lurkers "JUST WAITING!" 

So if you get a call from yourself, or even if its a random number with someone offering a free cruise, and you are just tired of it ?? Feel free to add your name, and it should all just stop!

Hope that you guys are having a good day 

xxDee

New Year (Chasing dreams on a rocky start)

I will tell you - choosing the theme "Chase your dreams" was probably the best and hardest thing I could have chosen for my year.

This year is off to a heavy start. We lost a dear friend Dec 29th. and today marks his funeral. I couldn't help but think, while walking out to the car that "Robert, really would have loved today. He would probably be out back futzing around, or chopping down trees with his good friend Jerry. I would see his boys playing in the back woods, Kyle with his bright, cheerful laughter and Josh with his I know what I am doing so follow me brother type attitude." I thought ... "I'm going to miss that."

I can still see him. The last time I seen him. His image has burned itself in my memory. His voice on the phone "Hey Mrs. Diane, it's Robert ... Do you mind getting the boys today?"
Going to his wake, served both goodbye and wonderment. He was missing his cap. He needed his cap, because he was rarely without it.

He was one of those people who once you met, or I should say, the moment you met him, you just knew! You just knew that he was someone worth knowing. I won't pretend to know his life, whether or not he was a sinner or model citizen. I can only say what I saw, as his neighbor and as his friend. He no doubt about it, was worth knowing.

Half of my tears are for him, the other half for the family left behind. Seeing those boys and Natasha cry, it just killed me.

All of this has set reality in tune. It's now playing its intrusive melody in my mind. Death, is a certainty. We are not promised tomorrow, hell ... we are not promised five minutes from now or even a nano second. Nothing absolutely NOTHING is set in stone. It set in perspective, just what really is important.

It's not the new necklace or pair of earrings your boyfriend got you, not the flowers, or chocolates. It's not a shiny new car, or a god damned pair of shoes ... It's the people, its you.

Chase my dreams .... suddenly seems so important, even though the dreams I have chosen to chase aren't something that will win the Nobel prize, or make me president. Even some of my dreams seem irrelevant.
I almost broke my phone the other day. I was scrolling through pintrest. I noticed half a hour had passed. My children all sat around doing things on their own, I could have broke. Why am I wasting time looking at things that do not matter? Instead of holding my children close?
I watched those boys cry for their deceased father and thought ... that could be my girls. At any moment.

Chase my dreams caught a new meaning in my heart. My dream or my ultimate dream is happiness. I want to create memories that my children can remember. That I can hold onto.

Suddenly nothing seems more important than the people you love.

I think fear was instilled in me today. Fear that I might not make it to see my children grow old. Fear of hurting them and causing their tears and me powerless to console them.

I am just sad and afraid.

I plan on running my 5k, I plan on writing .... but I mostly plan on just being present. No more hours on facebook. No more face stuck in a pointless reality show when I could be playing twister with my girls or making love to my husband. (I choose the latter - twister and love)

Time is a tricky thing , sometimes in a blink, it can just be over.
Chasing dreams can not wait ... or we might miss the opportunity to chase them.

Get out there guys ... snuggle up to those you love every chance you get. You never know when that chance might be lost forever. xxDee

The Xanax Life

You know, my whole life *well, my adult life.* I have been completely against medicine. Aka, pain killers, anxiety meds, Depression meds, etc.
Why?
Because I have a history. My whole family has a history with abusing substances in one way or another.  Whether it was me as a kid, smoking pot, snorting coke, or trying LSD occasionally, mixed with abusing NyQuil to gain a little shut eye or my ability to binge drink at random times. or the fact that--  most of my family reign from being huge pill pushers or alcoholics.
I am afraid of pills. So much so that it takes me a ton of pain before I will give in and take Tylenol for a head ache.

I do not know how I feel about them at the moment.

It came, that familiar feeling of suffocation and panic, mixed with a swelling rage that pretty much ensured my ass was about to freak the fuck out.
Xanax ,,, at first in all reality, i thought it was a bullshit pill. Did not do much for me at all. I was prescribed a low dosage and that very well could be the reason I feel it did nothing.
Moments that I feel I am having an attack, it takes close to forty minutes to get me through it without medicine, and it took the same with it. Then my husband Nick let me in on the secret that I can take more than one. So, I took two ... two was a little more effective.

Today I found my magic dosage.

two and a half. making it .75 grams in total. I was good in less than five. I feel a little tired. But it works. I am really second guessing myself if I really am against them or not. Which then started making me wonder if I am against them for my other issues either.

Tell you the truth .... when I first started taking my last med, It did work, or was working. But then I followed the instructions and upped it after a week, then I got a side effect that I just wasn't willing to go through. So I go back down to my original dose, but suddenly, it wasn't enough. It left me at an edge of almost sane.

Which I think is where a lot of frustration when I quit came in. Because for a moment, I got a taste of normal. I felt okay. I felt focused. I felt NORMAL. Or what I imagine was normal. Which I wouldn't hate so much having found that out until when I stopped taking them, I felt just how out of control and how un-normal I truly felt inside.
Maybe I should re-think this.

Needless to say, my fingers are tapping, I am surrounded by noise, and in all honesty today has been a very ruff day, Between seeing a friend going through hell and feeling her hurt with her, to a house over filled with noise from crazy kids and a shit ton of extra people and knowing that I will miss the hell out of them tomorrow when they leave. I am still not stressing out as much as I would be.

Thanks Xanax,

I do not know if its an addictive drug when used as you are supposed to. I truly hope not, because I am terrified of being a drug needing fool. I don't want to have to rely on it. But I am thankful for moments like these.

The picture above is one of my xanax friends dressed as a druggy. What can I say? I was bored and it fit the topic. I love that LINE app. Lets you dress up any picture that you take!

Not that  I really had anything important to say here, just more or less, giving myself something to read later when I say I do not want to take medicines. I do not want to depend on them. To see that maybe, even I do not completely believe myself on this one.

I wish there was non narcotic anxiety meds. Anyone out there know of any I could suggest to my doctor?
xxDee

Day One "Happy New Years!" Everyone.

Day one into the new year, there is no drastic change, nor delusions that there will be eventually this year. What there was, was a good day. I just decided to stop trying to control my future but rather enjoy the moments as they present themselves into my life. It works. I haven't felt stressed at all today.

Spent a little time at the arcade with the family ... enjoyed some sweet frog ice cream after. Right at this moment I am listening to the laughter of my youngest daughter, while she is playing with her uncle Richie. When I say play, I mean she is hailing balls at his face and laughing hysterically each time she manages to get him. It is quite adorable.

I am going to do that One picture a day thing. That is the picture that you see posted along with this post. I have taken a great deal many more than one, but this is the one that stands out in my heart.

I plan on doing all those things I said in the last blog regarding my theme as well ... but today, for now. That felt perfectly perfect to be the only thing I accomplished other than a good visit with friends today.

This will be a very short post ... I just  decided to try to be here a little more this year.

One thing I learned today ...LET GO! Don't try to control the situation. Enjoy every bit that comes into your life. We are not guaranteed tomorrow ... if you stress out and try to control everything now, you will miss out on so much.

An event in my life that is starting this year with me has brought me to the realization that, having a spotless house, doing this, pleasing others ... etc. It is not as important as simply being with the people you love around you. You never know how much time we have left. So just Let go. Love, laugh, and do something silly.

Happy New Year everyone ... May we all have a really good one.   xxDee