I need this one ... I need to re-read it later to see if I am completely full of shit or not. So this blog serves as a reminder for a later date.
You ever sit down with someone and have a conversation, then wonder to yourself if you even believe what the hell spilt out of your face at those moments? Or if it is just habit. Or something you once believed and are unsure if it still holds truth in your life at that moment?
The eyes are the windows to the soul they say ... they say some people can look into your eyes and see you. Who you are. Not who you are acting like, but the you, that you keep hidden deep down inside. The insecure you, the unsure you, the rebellious you. "The picture up there, is just me, holding the black kitten Lincoln." I chose it ... because it had an eye. There was no filter, just me. I look at it and wonder .... do people actually see me? Or do they see the things I say or do? Do they only see their original perceived notions of me that now stand in the way of who I really am? Half the time I think people are full of shit when they say they see me. But some people who say they do scare the shit out of me. "What if they do?" I am for the most part, an open book. I do not mind sharing my life with others.
That being said, For every one thing I share ... there are ten things I keep just for me. What if they see that?
I wonder sometimes if people see the real me beneath the smile? I just wonder if they see.
It's not that I lie to people about who I am.... It's just, I don't trust easily. I do not like the idea of being judged. I do not think that people would understand me. Not truthfully. I honestly think that if people knew, really knew what was going on in my head ... they would fear me. I would probably be sitting in a padded cell room in a straight jacket right now. I have such a dark sinister side, that I hide. I let a little out in my writing, or in a poem or two. But I even feel the need to mask it from myself. "It's not all dark.- But I am not all light and fucking rainbows either."
Can you see me?
Another thing we were talking about was love ... do you believe in love, if you were to get divorced or widowed would you marry again?
FIRST -- I am not truthfully married. According to the paperwork, Our marriage is void. Because the documents contain false information.
"Let me make this clear."
I am not single .... I just by law am not married. I am very much with someone. Just if we decide to go our separate ways, Divorce would not be part of it. So that is irrelevant.
TO ANSER THOUGH ....... NO.
I do not think I would marry. I thought I married once, but I am constantly reminded that we are not truthfully married. It is not that I am against it. It's that I have spent so much of my time trying to be what someone wants me to be, just to feel validated in their life, that I have sort of lost me during the process. It is selfish really
I think I would like to focus on me .... find out for myself who I am. See if what others see behind my eyes is true. I don't want to be this girl that at this very moment I face the world as. I am masked by assumptions and lies ... I am not who I am. I am who someone wants me to be, or what I thought they wanted me to be.
Its funny that no one seems to realize how little remarks like "Why do you have to do that in public?" Or, "You scare me - I do not want to read anymore of your stuff, because I sleep next to you and I am afraid. Are you really going to wear that? You're so strange. I just do not understand you sometimes." can make a person recoil back into themselves.
I am not saying that I am lying about who I am .... I am not following tennis knowing I am a full on Hockey girl. I do not say I like scrambled eggs when I really like fried *note* I love them all ways. It's not those sort of masks.
It's more of being reserved. Holding yourself back from FULL ON YOU. Only being half yourself is just the same as being someone different. "Maybe that is complete bullshit." But because I do not feel I can just be me .... I feel I am not me.
I honestly do no know how to find the words to put that.
BUT NO .... I would focus on me, my kids.
Besides - I have come to the conclusion that it might be better off being a lone. If you look at any love in this world, it all ends tragically. Unless you die together at the same moment, someone is getting hurt. Maybe it's best to be alone. To not have to feel that pain. Easier maybe. If it wasn't for our constant want to love, and be loved.
I say it might be easier, I say no to marriage now ... but who knows. Five years from now I might meet someone in a coffee shop, and marry them under the full moon surrounded by lilies and fire while listening to the waves crash onto shore. You just never know! I do not know.
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